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I am ×לזה
By Ally Iseman
Hebrew. Jew. Jew. Hebrew. For me, the two have always seemed inseparable. Perhaps that belief was the initial reason I saw myself as alienated from the Jewish community. As a young girl I always felt like I was sitting on the sidelines of something, like everyone who spoke Hebrew was privy to a delicious little secret that I could never understand.
I’ve never had a head for language. Perhaps because of the way in which I was taught: translation through memorization. Or perhaps I just never had as powerful a passion for French and Spanish as for Hebrew. My only exposure was once a week at my Reform Synagogue’s Saturday school, these muddled sounds we had to memorize in the form of prayers. The reason and passion behind those prayers, along with the meaning of the words that comprised them, never having fully been explained to me, were simply chores with no deeper meaning, a means to a grade. Here began the process of dissociation from my Jewish identity.
Being raised by parents who barely had a grasp on their own Jewish identities let alone the language, I had no ties holding onto me, no warm, fuzzy feelings anchoring me to the bosom of my Judaism. So I lost it. My Jewish identity fell away layer by layer over the course of my adolescence. My heart wasn’t in the preparations surrounding my Bat Mitzvah. I couldn’t fake a connection to all these words I didn’t understand. So I did the unthinkable. I forfeited the party, the money and the ridiculous amounts of attention and I did not have my Bat Mitzvah. I denounced all connection, never really spoke about it among my friends (although I always remained “The Jew” to them) and began playing hookie during Hebrew school.
The one thing I never lost, however, was my pride in my Hebrew name, ×לזה (Aliza.) Not the story of the Jewish people, not the history nor the food, but my name through the filter of the Jewish culture, however much of a mystery it was to me at the time. We picked our own names in French class. We chose pseudonyms in writing class and nicknames in clubs after school, but these were all so arbitrary. Aliza was different, felt different. This name had roots.
Although I was told by one of my Israeli friends that it is a “grandmother’s name,” my connection to it never failed. Aliza means “joyful” in Hebrew and I’ve recently discovered that Aliza is also another name for Jerusalem, the heart of the Jewish people and the capital of the state of Israel. Aliza has become my heart, as well, and the center of my Jewish identity.
My Birthright Israel trip was the catalyst for beginning my journey. Even though I felt the language barrier with my Israeli counterparts on the bus, there was something even deeper, even truer of an understanding that went beyond words. It was in Israel where I got my first taste of Kabbalah. The way every part of every letter of every word expressing every Jewish idea has a hidden importance and a much deeper meaning. Suddenly these Hebrew letters, which had up to this point caused me so much confusion and strife, now seemed to make things in my universe come into alignment and make sense. This part of me that had been dormant for so long was now awake and it was hungry! Not speaking Hebrew was no longer enough of a reason to deny such a huge part of myself. No reason ever really was, nor will ever again be enough for me to do that.
I’ve come back from Israel with a fire, a craving desire to know more, to explore the Judaism within myself and within the world around me. Hebrew is no longer an obstacle I feel I must work through despite my lack of comprehension, but rather my impending study of the language will open up yet another avenue in which I can explore my innate Judaism.
I am Aliza. That is my name, and more. I now know what it translates to in English, but I am now also beginning to understand what it means to me; that identity, that sense of belonging, and I am joyful.
Photo by rogerimp, licensed under Creative Commons.
Tags: Hebrew, Israel, Names, Tongue Tied
4 Responses to “I am ×לזה”
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Great article, Ally. Interesting to see the similarities in our two unique experiences with Hebrew as a defining element of Jewish identity.
Thank you, Micah. I really enjoyed your article, as well. Hebrew does seem to be a key, a missing cog in the framework of our Jewish identities. I long for that connection you speak of, of meeting an Israeli anywhere in the world and speaking Hebrew together, to connect in that way allowing us both a sense of comfort and familiarity in the unpredictable world. I’m impressed you can still read. I’ve lost most of that, as well. I think I’ll be working on this for a long time to come.
Your love shines through. Great article.
I can totally relate to the Hebrew block. Good luck with your Hebrew learning!