Alef: The NEXT Conversation

The Love of the Game

By Masha C.

Imagine yourself playing an amazing game with a partner. Perhaps it’s a high-energy game of tennis at the Australian Open, or a game of chess on an antique chess board with stone-carved pieces. The game is only as good as the people playing it. What does your partner look like?

Most of you probably imagine an attractive member of the opposite sex – unless you are a true fan of the game. If you happen to be a true lover of chess, you’d much rather spar with Viswanathan Anand than against any Brazilian supermodel. The difference in visualization of partners comes from the difference in focus of the goal of the game. Is the joy of the game in the end result, or is the game merely a means to enjoy the company of the other person?

That same difference in focus distinguishes Western culture from Judaism. Every rabbi that has lectured me on relationships stressed the importance of focusing on the other person, that everything should be simply a means of enjoying the other person. Yeah, right! I nodded and pretended to listen. I’m a true Westerner in this regard – I don’t care about the player, I care about the game. If you want to play with me, you better make me happy. Otherwise, I’m not interested, I’m bored, and I move on.

About a year and a half ago, I went to Spain on an organized Jewish peer trip. Along with learning about Jewish history in a beautiful country, I wanted guaranteed entertainment. I picked my partner carefully. He was a tall former gymnast with an odd sense of humor and a perfect eight-pack. He was just the type of a partner that could entertain me. He was also naïve in relationships, which suggested to me that he would not question my “rules of the game.” I picked myself an ideal play toy and asked him if he wanted to room with my friend and I for the trip. He agreed.

“Silly thing!” I smiled to myself. “I love nice Jewish boys! They are too easy.”

And he really was easy. Less than two weeks later, I knew exactly what he was like in bed. I didn’t yet know whether I would want to date him, but I knew what he liked and disliked, what excited him and what he would never want to do. I also knew I liked what he did for me. Although I never intended for our relationship to extend past the end of the trip, thoughts of him kept me coming back. I began asking him to sleep over on Saturdays, even when we didn’t hang out earlier in the evening. Our dates consisted of attempting to watch a movie at my house but never getting through even half of it.

I am not sure when my mindset changed. One day, I knew that I longed for him more than in a purely physical sense. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to know his opinion. I even enjoyed his company fully dressed!

More importantly, I enjoyed him not fully dressed more than I ever had before. This shocking discovery meant there was more pleasure to be derived from the game than I’d ever thought! Maybe the rabbi was on to something after all. Turns out when sex is with someone truly important to you, the pleasure is magnified to a level otherwise unreachable.

Of course, I would never dare suggest that purely physical, loveless sex is unworthy or unnecessary. It is just not optimal. To experience the true pleasure of the game, you must have a skilled and valuable partner. Unfortunately, a Brazilian model with the chess skills of Viswanathan Anandum is nearly impossible. Thankfully, having someone you love in your bed is much easier! You just need to find the right partner.

Photo by kooklanekookla, licensed under Creative Commons.

Read more articles from Issue 08: “The Sex Issue.”

Tags: chess, Judaism, sex

Posted by Sarah, Friday, February 26th, 2010, 1:36 pm, The Sex Issue.