Alef: The NEXT Conversation
Do You Have The Touch?
By Rita Polevoy
A few weeks ago, I went on a date with someone who was Shomer Negiah, meaning, someone who doesn’t engage in physical contact with members of the opposite sex. The expectation of no touching was there from the start of the date, but the thought of not being able to even hug him was a turn-off for me. The only positive aspect was at the ever-awkward date goodbye – I didn’t have to worry about whether he would go for a hug, a kiss, or more.
Physical boundaries can be useful at times. Hugging someone you haven’t seen in a long time is gratifying at first, but the sensation does not last forever. It makes me question the reasoning behind Shomer Negiah. Is the idea that touching a person of the opposite sex makes you want to have them sexually? Or does an observant man not want to shake my hand in fear that I am menstruating and am considered “dirty”? Is he afraid of what his wife would say if she saw us shaking hands? I have a hard time understanding the problem with basic physical contact. Some argue that a single touch from another human being can spark desire, emotion, and provocative thoughts, but even looking at another person can have these same effects. It would be ridiculous to suggest that we stop looking at each other too.
Orthodox rabbis and other observant folks who argue in favor of Shomer Negiah claim that it heightens the sexual experience once you finally engage in sexual activity with someone you love. They say that in the end, it isn’t all about sex anyways – it’s about love and closeness between two people. They also mention that divorce rates are much lower among those that follow the practice. I’m not trying to degrade the Orthodox community, I just want to point out that throughout the life of an average human being, most people have multiple sexual partners (A study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in 2007 showed that men average seven partners throughout their lifetime).
Many children are taught to hold off on any sort of sexual activity until marriage. Â However, I was taught that sexual desire, and eventually in later years, sexual activity, was acceptable. My parents still warned me about consequences of having too many partners and always encouraged me to use protection. Because of their understanding view, I found it easy to talk to them about “the birds and the bees,” and this led me to make thoughtful choices about who I slept with, and about how far along into a relationship I wanted to be before making such a personal commitment. Why did my parents raise me this way? They always said that good sexual chemistry is an important factor in a healthy relationship and that it’s dangerous and potentially disappointing to walk blindly into a commitment when you haven’t experienced the physical side of that person. Sex cannot make a relationship, but it can certainly help strengthen its bonds.
There are many different viewpoints on whether it is okay to share your body with a person who you are not bound to by a legal contract. Either way, we all have sex eventually. Here’s where some religiously-observant people argue that having sex before marriage defiles the true purpose of sex. However, sex is not written on paper and confined to the boundaries of a Ketubah. A signature will not bring the guarantee of sexual understanding, satisfaction, or if ever needed, escape from marital rape and sexual abuse. Having listened to arguments about what sex before marriage is or is not, it seems like some people have formed a preconception about what it is supposed to be. We are all, regardless of our level of religious observance, prone to extra-marital affairs or even some pre-marital experiences. Between two consenting adults, there is no person of authority present to say “no.” Sex is holy and great and wonderful and, pun intended, absolutely orgasmic.
Many secular people understand just as well as observant people that sex is something special.The magic of sex is that even after the first time it leaves one craving for more. There’s no doubt that the sanctity of sex can be compromised by multiple one-night-stands, random hookups, porn, rape, or abuse, but to reduce sex to a physical act performed by two people in a “holy way” is not fair to the act of sex or to the people performing it. I won’t deny that sex is probably really amazing when you and your partner are virgins and you’re touching and caressing each other for the first time – this is exciting, of course, but it is foul to say that people who have more than one partner throughout their lifetime (say two or three) find sex less exciting or thrilling. In fact, pre-marital sex can be a blessing, not only by bringing a person who is experienced in what they are doing (like being able to identify what their partner likes and needs) but it takes away the discomfort of feeling insecure about what one looks like naked and the excruciatingly painful moment of being penetrated for the first time and being confused about what is going on and how it is all supposed to work.
There is nothing in secular society that says that you absolutely must “test drive the car before you buy it;” people in this realm are treated the same as in observant realms – as individuals that are able to make their own decisions. I am of course in full support of anyone who chooses to abstain from sex or even from physical contact before marriage, but I am also in support of those who have experienced what it means to have sex with a person you love and respect and who feels the same about you.
Photo by stephend9, licensed under Creative Commons.
Read more articles from Issue 08: “The Sex Issue.”
Tags: love, marriage, sex, shomer negiah
4 Responses to “Do You Have The Touch?”
Leave a Reply
Follow Us
2009. Alef: The NEXT Conversation All rights reserved.
Home |
About |
Contact Us
Love the article; great insights on such contradicting issue
Wonderful article, Rita!
A couple of points:
1) Orthodox people aren’t supposed to look at people of the other gender in the eye. Remember that Rabbi in Jerusalem who told us that? (the funny one) The basic premise for this (and one which I still don’t understand the Orthodox answer to) is that men cannot suppress their sexual urges and are surrounded by temptation. Lessening the temptations prevents them from sinning…as if they are not conscious, thinking human beings with agency and self control.
2) I think your points about pre-marital sex are really important: the fact that the physical should enhance the emotional, and that experience can help in the long run. However, I’m sure the response would be that if you have multiple partners that leads you to compare and your wife/husband shouldn’t be compared to…
What is the ultimate goal of this article? It seems like you understand and respect Orthodox beliefs and since you’re not super religious and follow the rules and regulations so to speak, you support the “car rides”.
What I’ve learned is that sex is used as a solution to everything in secular world, something that Orthdox Jews are trying to avoid, hence you see the results in divorce rates.
My question is whether or not you believe that if you followed these rules and found this one guy, would you be happy or would you still have the urge to go pick more apples?
A few weeks ago, I went on a date with someone who was Shomer Negiah, meaning, someone who doesn’t engage in physical contact with members of the opposite sex. The expectation of no touching was there from the start of the date, but the thought of not being able to even hug him was a turn-off for me.
==========
- Good. To be turned on just by the view of the member of opposite sex equates you with animals. To be turned on by his/her intellectual, spiritual, personal qualities – that’s what makes humans different from animals. A touch, especially at a young age, when body is overcharged with raging hormones, can be an electrifying shock. This is exactly the purpose of Shomer Negiah – to hold off, to restrain the physical part of you and to focus your emotions on the person and not his/her body.
==========
Physical boundaries can be useful at times. Hugging someone you haven’t seen in a long time is gratifying at first, but the sensation does not last forever. It makes me question the reasoning behind Shomer Negiah. Is the idea that touching a person of the opposite sex makes you want to have them sexually?
==========
- When you eat sugar without restrain, you eventually lose the taste of it and start consuming it more and more. Same with hot pepper. Same with relations with the opposite sex – touching/hugging/kissing/sexing etc. Your emotions lose their sharp edge and wear out. Hugging/kissing etc, becomes to you no more than a socially acceptable ritual, not bearing any emotional charge. This brings up in a person casual attitude towards sexual relations that later transpires in marriage.
==========
Or does an observant man not want to shake my hand in fear that I am menstruating and am considered “dirty� Is he afraid of what his wife would say if she saw us shaking hands? I have a hard time understanding the problem with basic physical contact.
==========
- It is impossible to develop (and then – to follow) a set of sophisticated rules for all human beings and all circumstances, what sort of contact is acceptable and what is not. Should the looking be allowed? No? Then, what about public transportation? How can you avoid seeing? Shaking hands? What about business meeting? What about business meeting in Poland, where up until recently it was customary to kiss a lady’s hand? Or, before kissing her hand should you inquire if she’s menstruating?
Hence the universal rule, plain and simple to follow – no physical contact, period.
==========
Orthodox rabbis and other observant folks who argue in favor of Shomer Negiah claim that it heightens the sexual experience once you finally engage in sexual activity with someone you love.
==========
- Heightening the sexual experience is a by-product of Shomer Negiah, not its goal. The goal is to bring self-discipline and responsible attitude in relations between sexes.
==========
They say that in the end, it isn’t all about sex anyways – it’s about love and closeness between two people.
==========
- Their view represents a colossal social experience accumulated over many thousands of years.
==========
They also mention that divorce rates are much lower among those that follow the practice.
==========
- The divorce rate is indeed, much, much lower in orthodox communities than in secular environment.
However, it would be a mistake to attribute it to only one factor, in this case – the Shomer Negiah. The communal life based on religious principles, with clearly defined behavioral rules, is conducive to preserving family relations. Behavioral rules – meaning, not only in relations between sexes. A marriage may experience stress coming from different directions – relations between spouses, between a spouse and a parent, between a spouse and a child, etc. In atomized secular environment you’re always alone with your problem, and neither you nor your adversary have any idea of standard behavioral patterns promoted by accumulated social experience of society – since there is no society around you. So, the familial boat is rocked by unrestrained emotions more and more until it capsizes. Not so when you live in the Jewish orthodox community. It is not only you who works on restraining of your unruly child – it is the whole community, where to be rude with parents is not “coolâ€. Your personal efforts are boosted by the child’s peer pressure.
And so with many other challenges that a marriage faces over its life. You who are married and live in secular environment, please understand that statistically you have 50% probability of divorce. That is, of yourself and all your friends one half will end up in divorce.
==========
I’m not trying to degrade the Orthodox community, I just want to point out that throughout the life of an average human being, most people have multiple sexual partners (A study conducted by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention in 2007 showed that men average seven partners throughout their lifetime).
==========
- First of all, it is not surprising that of all organizations it is exactly the Center for Disease Control and Prevention engaged in these studies. Which clearly indicates the degrading role of promiscuity in human life. Then, this average number is irrelevant with regard to a structured society. For example, amongst the homosexuals sexual contacts are measured by dozens, if not hundreds, whereas amongst Amish people or, for that sake, members of Jewish orthodox communities, this number is in lower singles.
==========
Many children are taught to hold off on any sort of sexual activity until marriage. However, I was taught that sexual desire, and eventually in later years, sexual activity, was acceptable. My parents still warned me about consequences of having too many partners and always encouraged me to use protection.
==========
- How many is “too many�
==========
…and that it’s dangerous and potentially disappointing to walk blindly into a commitment when you haven’t experienced the physical side of that person. Sex cannot make a relationship, but it can certainly help strengthen its bonds.
==========
- This is a myth. If there is love and understanding between two people then all their problems, sexual or otherwise, are manageable. If there is no love – no amount of sex howsoever blissful will be able to hold the marriage together. This was recognized and understood long, long ago. This is why the traditional Jewish attitude towards sex is to put emotional and spiritual ahead of physical. Whether it works you can see in statistics.
==========
There are many different viewpoints on whether it is okay to share your body with a person who you are not bound to by a legal contract.
==========
- Children sometimes happen after sex. The contract, or any sort of a public ceremony, is a commitment of the parties engaged in sex, to accept responsibilities for potential consequences. Without it, a woman and a child – that is, the more vulnerable part of a family that did not happen to be – are on their own.
==========
Either way, we all have sex eventually. Here’s where some religiously-observant people argue that having sex before marriage defiles the true purpose of sex.
==========
- That depends on the point of view. In traditional Jewish thinking, which amongst other things promotes self-discipline, any action or inaction should have its purpose. The sex without a goal of strengthening marital bonds or conceiving a child, is considered senseless, and as such should have no place.
==========
We are all, regardless of our level of religious observance, prone to extra-marital affairs…
==========
- This is a very wrong assumption indicating just how far the destructive thinking, nurtured by casual attitude towards sex, went. A person who is in true love with a dear and trusted partner, confidant and lover will only cringe and squirm at very thought of falling in bed with somebody else. The offer of a quickie will be accepted with disgust.