Alef: The NEXT Conversation
Nice Jewish Girl No More
By Meredith Druss
This post originally appeared on Alef on 1-5-2011.
It’s a good time to be a Jewish girl.
It’s been six years since Urban Outfitters launched their “Everyone Loves a Jewish Girl” t-shirt (you know, the one with the $$ signs that they quickly took off the shelves and replaced with hearts instead), but its words are still ringing true. It seems that references to Jewish girls are everywhere these days — TV, Twitter, music, movies, and in the pages of my dentist’s magazines. Jewish girls are IN.
While I’m not qualified to track the real data as to the potential cause of this new phenomenon, I can say with a certain degree of confidence that TV seems to have had a major impact. As a TV lover, and as someone who likes to take fictional situations and see if they apply to my own life, I often seek out and feed off of any Jew(ish) reference I can relate to. In my younger years, there were a limited number of Jewish female characters – Grace Adler from Will & Grace, a vocal, neurotic Jewish character; Monica Gellar from Friends; and Fran Fine from The Nanny.
But we’ve entered the 10s, and with the arrival of a new decade came a new kind of Jew. Jewish girls have matured. We are no longer known as the the “girl next door,” now we are the “other woman.” Take FOX’s Glee - Rachel Berry, played by Lea Michele is TV’s new female Jewish character. Sexy, seductive, and maybe a little bit easy, Rachel portrays Jewesses in a new light. Fast on her heels are characters like smart & dorky Annie Edison (Alison Brie) on Community, sexy & competitive Christina Yang (Sandra Oh) from Grey’s Anatomy, and dirty, dirty comedian Sarah Silverman. These ladies are more than just bangable, they are vocal about their sexual frustrations and needs. Oh yeah, and they’re hot.
Which brings me new characters to be compared with. TV and the media are starting to show the other side of the Jewish girl (ambitious, vocal, smart, funny, hot…). In December, Christopher Nixon pronounced Jewish girls the “ethnic fetish du jour” in Details Magazine. In January, Italian Pauly D. from MTV’s reality show Jersey Shore got the hots for an Israeli named Danielle. In February, Troy, the jock on Community, was convinced of his attraction to Annie after being told “…And she’s Jewish!” With all that, there’s renewed attention being paid to the Jewesses, and it’s translating to real-life.
These days, I’m loud and proud about my Jewish identity – my trump card is to say I’m Jewish. With that one sentence, I get a renewed flicker in the eye, a subtle lean-in, and the words “Wait, did you say that you were Jewish?” It’s also quickly revealed when I mention that I work for a Jewish non-profit organization, as when people see my Tiffany’s Star-of-David necklace. These guys, Jew and non-Jew alike, are definitely more interested once they find out. My friends are noticing the difference for themselves as well.
I recognize that this fetish also leads to some disturbing situations. The sexualization of Jewish girls on TV has planted itself into the minds of the men I’m meeting. See, where it used to be that the Catholic schoolgirls were the sexually-repressed and thus easy-to-lay American feminine stereotype, Jewish girls are stereotypically less taboo about sex. Now, when I meet a new guy, and he finds out that I’m Jewish, I’m confronted with a dilemma. I have to determine whether or not he’s interested in me because I am: (a) one of those desperate or easy girls on TV, (b) totally hot AND would make your Jewish mother proud, or (c) smart, sexy, funny, outgoing, and potential girlfriend material.
But I am relieved and thankful for one thing. The attention has made it cool to be a nice Jewish girl. No longer is it something that I feel like I have to hide or deny. The public attention has also let boys in on the fact that there are many, many ways to be a nice Jewish girl. While I can still compare myself to the Monicas and Graces, I can also throw in some sexy & motivated Rachel, some smart & innocent Annie, and some loud & foul-mouthed Sarah. We’ve broken the old “nice Jewish girl” stigma, which is all of a sudden making me just a little more interesting and mysterious.
Photo by adpk, licensed under Creative Commons.
Do You Have The Touch?
By Rita Polevoy
A few weeks ago, I went on a date with someone who was Shomer Negiah, meaning, someone who doesn’t engage in physical contact with members of the opposite sex. The expectation of no touching was there from the start of the date, but the thought of not being able to even hug him was a turn-off for me. The only positive aspect was at the ever-awkward date goodbye – I didn’t have to worry about whether he would go for a hug, a kiss, or more.
Physical boundaries can be useful at times. Hugging someone you haven’t seen in a long time is gratifying at first, but the sensation does not last forever. It makes me question the reasoning behind Shomer Negiah. Is the idea that touching a person of the opposite sex makes you want to have them sexually? Or does an observant man not want to shake my hand in fear that I am menstruating and am considered “dirty”? Is he afraid of what his wife would say if she saw us shaking hands? I have a hard time understanding the problem with basic physical contact. Some argue that a single touch from another human being can spark desire, emotion, and provocative thoughts, but even looking at another person can have these same effects. It would be ridiculous to suggest that we stop looking at each other too.
Orthodox rabbis and other observant folks who argue in favor of Shomer Negiah claim that it heightens the sexual experience once you finally engage in sexual activity with someone you love. They say that in the end, it isn’t all about sex anyways – it’s about love and closeness between two people. They also mention that divorce rates are much lower among those that follow the practice. I’m not trying to degrade the Orthodox community, I just want to point out that throughout the life of an average human being, most people have multiple sexual partners (A study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in 2007 showed that men average seven partners throughout their lifetime).
Many children are taught to hold off on any sort of sexual activity until marriage. Â However, I was taught that sexual desire, and eventually in later years, sexual activity, was acceptable. My parents still warned me about consequences of having too many partners and always encouraged me to use protection. Because of their understanding view, I found it easy to talk to them about “the birds and the bees,” and this led me to make thoughtful choices about who I slept with, and about how far along into a relationship I wanted to be before making such a personal commitment. Why did my parents raise me this way? They always said that good sexual chemistry is an important factor in a healthy relationship and that it’s dangerous and potentially disappointing to walk blindly into a commitment when you haven’t experienced the physical side of that person. Sex cannot make a relationship, but it can certainly help strengthen its bonds.
There are many different viewpoints on whether it is okay to share your body with a person who you are not bound to by a legal contract. Either way, we all have sex eventually. Here’s where some religiously-observant people argue that having sex before marriage defiles the true purpose of sex. However, sex is not written on paper and confined to the boundaries of a Ketubah. A signature will not bring the guarantee of sexual understanding, satisfaction, or if ever needed, escape from marital rape and sexual abuse. Having listened to arguments about what sex before marriage is or is not, it seems like some people have formed a preconception about what it is supposed to be. We are all, regardless of our level of religious observance, prone to extra-marital affairs or even some pre-marital experiences. Between two consenting adults, there is no person of authority present to say “no.” Sex is holy and great and wonderful and, pun intended, absolutely orgasmic.
Many secular people understand just as well as observant people that sex is something special.The magic of sex is that even after the first time it leaves one craving for more. There’s no doubt that the sanctity of sex can be compromised by multiple one-night-stands, random hookups, porn, rape, or abuse, but to reduce sex to a physical act performed by two people in a “holy way” is not fair to the act of sex or to the people performing it. I won’t deny that sex is probably really amazing when you and your partner are virgins and you’re touching and caressing each other for the first time – this is exciting, of course, but it is foul to say that people who have more than one partner throughout their lifetime (say two or three) find sex less exciting or thrilling. In fact, pre-marital sex can be a blessing, not only by bringing a person who is experienced in what they are doing (like being able to identify what their partner likes and needs) but it takes away the discomfort of feeling insecure about what one looks like naked and the excruciatingly painful moment of being penetrated for the first time and being confused about what is going on and how it is all supposed to work.
There is nothing in secular society that says that you absolutely must “test drive the car before you buy it;” people in this realm are treated the same as in observant realms – as individuals that are able to make their own decisions. I am of course in full support of anyone who chooses to abstain from sex or even from physical contact before marriage, but I am also in support of those who have experienced what it means to have sex with a person you love and respect and who feels the same about you.
Photo by stephend9, licensed under Creative Commons.
Read more articles from Issue 08: “The Sex Issue.”
Jewish Identity Through Burlesque
An Interview with Burlesque Performer Minnie Tonka
Interview by Sarah Pumroy
It’s the second night of Hanukkah, and I’m sitting at the bar, eating greasy potato latkes and staring at naked Jewish women.  I knew there was an active burlesque scene in New York City, but never checked it out until I was invited to  ”Menorah Horah” in December.
There were the typical elements of a burlesque show – the slow, seductive shedding of long gloves, skirts, and undergarments piece-by-piece to vaudeville music. But there was also (nearly) naked dancing with menorahs, women wearing pasties in the shape of Hanukkah candle flames, and jokes about Manishewitz wine and other Jewish cultural references.
Why does Manishewitz, pasties, and nudity feel like so much fun? It should have felt dirty, even blasphemous. I was intrigued, and wanted to interview one of the performers from that night, Alyssa Abrahamson, aka Minnie Tonka, who has been performing for audiences in New York and across North America since 2003. Minnie Tonka spoke to me about her Jewish identity and what it means to be a Jewish burlesque performer.
Although the term “burlesque” has become synonymous with female striptease acts, the word also can be used a verb meaning “to mock” or to caricature something. But while Minnie Tonka’s Hanukkah show was certainly outlandish and humorous, it was clear that it wasn’t rooted in mockery of Jewish traditions. As she explained to me during the interview, burlesque is actually an art, one where she can showcase her pride for her Jewish identity. Be sure to check out Minnie Tonka at her upcoming show, The Burning Bush vs. The Second Coming on Saturday, April 3rd, 2010.
Alef: You’re involved in something known as “Jewish Burlesque,” can you tell us exactly what that is?
Minnie Tonka: For me, Jewish burlesque is about creating and performing a burlesque act with intentional Jewish content. For example, I have an act to Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself for Loving You” that is about a Jewish gal feeling guilty about loving bacon. Or, the Schlep Sisters (my duet with Darlinda Just Darlinda) has an act that we call, “Schlepping through the Desert” where we tell the story of the Exodus through burlesque.
But, this question really deserves a conversation. Just like the question “what is Jewish art?” there is no simple answer and it will depend on who you ask. Is art “Jewish” because the artist is Jewish even if there is no Jewish content? Or is art Jewish because it has specific Jewish content? I know some non-Jewish performers who have Jewish-themed burlesque acts, such as a dreidel act. Would that be considered Jewish burlesque? On the same note, would a Christmas-themed or Easter bunny act be considered Christian burlesque?
In my experience, people in the burlesque community do not use the term “Jewish burlesque” (except for me, Darlinda Just Darlinda or Susannah Perlman of Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad). People in the Jewish community use this term because, I believe, it comes from a place of ownership, pride, and sometimes an attempt to appear innovative or edgy.
Alef: Why did you choose to incorporate Jewish identity into your performances?
Minnie Tonka: Since Jewish identity and creative expression was something I was very involved in and passionate about both professionally and personally when I first started performing burlesque six years ago, I made it a point to be very “out” about my Jewish identity through my performance. In 2004, I co-founded and continue to produce an all-Jewish burlesque revue – Kosher ChiXXX. It was important to me to showcase talented Jewish burlesque performers and give them the opportunity to think about their art in a new way – within the context of a relationship to Judaism. But, the acts don’t always necessarily have specific Jewish content. At that time, I’m not sure anyone in NYC was doing any specific Jewish-themed burlesque acts. For all the performers, including myself, it was a new, challenging, bonding, and empowering experience.
Alef: How did audiences reacted to this new type of burlesque?
Minnie Tonka: Over the years, I am proud that I helped create a name for “Jewish burlesque.” It has been rewarding and validating in many ways. For example, when I started performing and “Jewish burlesque” was very new, people would (and still do) come up to me after shows and thank me. They thank me for showing that Jewish pride and identity can be expressed and celebrated in many different ways.
I have a friend, Trixie Minx, who is the director of Fleur de Tease Burlesque Revue, based in New Orleans. I met Trixie at the New York Burlesque Festival in 2006. The Schlep Sisters performed our Hava Nagilah act and Trixie introduced herself, thanked us, and said she was surprised and inspired by our performance. She is Jewish and said she had never considered incorporating Judaism into her burlesque acts. Since then, Trixie has created and performed a few Jewish-themed burlesque acts that are fun and fabulous. She’s a very talented lady!
Alef: How did you get into burlesque and why did you go into Jewish burlesque specifically?
Minnie Tonka: My burlesque debut was in the winter of 2003/2004 with the Schlep Sisters. Darlinda was the person who inspired me to try out burlesque. We met and talked about all sorts of artsy things. She was really interested in burlesque and she sparked my curiosity. I love choreography, I love dressing up, and costuming. I have a background in dance and figure skating, so being in front of an audience was nothing new to me (although it had been years since I had last done it). I always surrounded myself with artists but, at the time, didn’t have a specific artistic outlet myself. I wanted to explore my creative side and this seemed like a great opportunity. At first, I was intimidated by and uncomfortable with the striptease aspect, but I took it on as a creative challenge. Six years later, I’m still hooked and going strong!
Alef: Have you ever been criticized for “sexualizing” Judaism?
Minnie Tonka: For me, burlesque isn’t about sex; it’s an art form and it is about creative and artistic expression. I have never been criticized for “sexualizing” Judaism. Over the years, I have only received compliments and praises for expressing my Jewish identity through burlesque. Many people are searching for ways to connect to Judaism and it demonstrates that there are many different ways of connecting to and celebrating our heritage and tradition. It can be validating and encouraging to many people.
Alef: What do you enjoy most about being in the Schlep Sisters?
Minnie Tonka: The Schlep Sisters are FUN! I love collaborating and choreographing acts together. Our differences really compliment each other and whatever we do it always a creative and inspiring learning experience. I am very excited to say that we are producing an upcoming springtime holiday show: The Burning Bush vs. The Second Coming: The Ultimate Burlesque Showdown, which is on Saturday, April 3rd at Le Poisson Rouge in downtown Manhattan. It’s going to be a fun and fabulous show that showcases both Passover and Easter acts with some of NYC’s most talented burlesque performers like Dirty Martini and Tigger!. This show is not to be missed!
Read more articles from Issue 08: “The Sex Issue.”
The Love of the Game
By Masha C.
Imagine yourself playing an amazing game with a partner. Perhaps it’s a high-energy game of tennis at the Australian Open, or a game of chess on an antique chess board with stone-carved pieces. The game is only as good as the people playing it. What does your partner look like?
Most of you probably imagine an attractive member of the opposite sex – unless you are a true fan of the game. If you happen to be a true lover of chess, you’d much rather spar with Viswanathan Anand than against any Brazilian supermodel. The difference in visualization of partners comes from the difference in focus of the goal of the game. Is the joy of the game in the end result, or is the game merely a means to enjoy the company of the other person?
That same difference in focus distinguishes Western culture from Judaism. Every rabbi that has lectured me on relationships stressed the importance of focusing on the other person, that everything should be simply a means of enjoying the other person. Yeah, right! I nodded and pretended to listen. I’m a true Westerner in this regard – I don’t care about the player, I care about the game. If you want to play with me, you better make me happy. Otherwise, I’m not interested, I’m bored, and I move on.
About a year and a half ago, I went to Spain on an organized Jewish peer trip. Along with learning about Jewish history in a beautiful country, I wanted guaranteed entertainment. I picked my partner carefully. He was a tall former gymnast with an odd sense of humor and a perfect eight-pack. He was just the type of a partner that could entertain me. He was also naïve in relationships, which suggested to me that he would not question my “rules of the game.” I picked myself an ideal play toy and asked him if he wanted to room with my friend and I for the trip. He agreed.
“Silly thing!” I smiled to myself. “I love nice Jewish boys! They are too easy.”
And he really was easy. Less than two weeks later, I knew exactly what he was like in bed. I didn’t yet know whether I would want to date him, but I knew what he liked and disliked, what excited him and what he would never want to do. I also knew I liked what he did for me. Although I never intended for our relationship to extend past the end of the trip, thoughts of him kept me coming back. I began asking him to sleep over on Saturdays, even when we didn’t hang out earlier in the evening. Our dates consisted of attempting to watch a movie at my house but never getting through even half of it.
I am not sure when my mindset changed. One day, I knew that I longed for him more than in a purely physical sense. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to know his opinion. I even enjoyed his company fully dressed!
More importantly, I enjoyed him not fully dressed more than I ever had before. This shocking discovery meant there was more pleasure to be derived from the game than I’d ever thought! Maybe the rabbi was on to something after all. Turns out when sex is with someone truly important to you, the pleasure is magnified to a level otherwise unreachable.
Of course, I would never dare suggest that purely physical, loveless sex is unworthy or unnecessary. It is just not optimal. To experience the true pleasure of the game, you must have a skilled and valuable partner. Unfortunately, a Brazilian model with the chess skills of Viswanathan Anandum is nearly impossible. Thankfully, having someone you love in your bed is much easier! You just need to find the right partner.
Photo by kooklanekookla, licensed under Creative Commons.
Read more articles from Issue 08: “The Sex Issue.”
It Takes More Than Making Out
By Will Newman
When I graduated high school sexually inactive, my grandfather was terribly disappointed.
“This is because you went to Catholic school,” he told me. “They messed you up.”
The fact I went to Catholic school bothered my grandfather, who was concerned that I was turning my back on my Jewish heritage. Jews, he explained, are not as conservative sexually and thus not haunted by whatever evil spirit was keeping me sexless. So, in an attempt to show him that I hadn’t betrayed him, I made a concerted effort to lose my virginity in college.
Here’s a tip: When trying to sleep with college girls, don’t mention that you’re trying to bed them to prove something to your grandfather. This “creeps them out.”
So, unable to reason with women, I tried the next best thing. I got really drunk on cheap beer and tried dancing at frat parties. And where there’s cheap beer and dark rooms and loud music, there are dance floor make-out sessions. After a steady record of evening tongue action, my grandfather was still not convinced of my commitment to our faith.
“How is most of America having sex by your age and not you?” he asked, rubbing my sexual insecurities in my face. “You damn Catholics are too afraid of hell.” To rectify this, he told me, he would set me up with some easy women.
Fun fact: if you strike out with a girl your own grandfather thought was “easy,” you may not be cut out for sex.
I was about to explain to him that it wasn’t the fear of hell that kept me a boy and not a man. Instead, the opportunity just never presented itself. But instead I got set up on a date with a girl that made it clear in the middle of dinner what her intentions were.
“I’m hoping to get married as soon as possible,” she said.
That didn’t make me feel comfortable. Though her demeanor during dinner was very cold and professional, she invited me back to her place for some of the most robotic kissing I have ever had. It was like kissing a vibrator whose batteries were dying. Since I was not a sexual connoisseur, I really only had refined tastes in kissing and assorted other “hookup things to do.” And, call me a snob, but I needed more than the Kissbot 9000.
I tried to explain this to my grandfather when I told him I didn’t want to date that girl again.
“My God, what is wrong with you? Do you know how old I was or your father was when we lost our virginities?”
Important knowledge: never ask that question and, if that question gets asked to you, never ever say yes.
So it turns out that my father and grandfather lost their virginities before I did — my grandfather pointed out that this took place before the birth control pill. I wanted to tell my grandfather that there was a whole ocean in between celibate and sex, and while I hadn’t yet slept with someone, I had my share of fun. But the problem is that while it’s occasionally appropriate to talk with family about sex, it’s nearly impossible to discuss the many other sexual things naked people can do. When these are the only other things you’re doing, it makes it hard to communicate that you’re not joining the priesthood and letting your Jewish ancestors down.
“Don’t you want to have children?” he asked me. “Do you know where children come from?” I wasn’t at the top of my college class, but I had an inkling. So to placate my grandfather, I let him set me up again.
This next girl and I had a lot in common. We liked the same movies, read the same books, and had the same grandmother. As it turns out, she was my cousin. When I had this realization, twenty minutes into dinner, I grabbed my cell phone and called my grandfather.
“Is this girl my cousin?” I asked.
“Yeah, by marriage. So?”
“This is gross.”
“She’s pretty and she’s smart and you of all people can’t be so picky,” he said. He had a point, but I wasn’t going to stoop that low. Perhaps I was a virgin, he suggested, because I was too choosy. If I disqualified women for such petty things as looks or being related to me, I would be a virgin forever. My grandfather insisted I could do worse. Best of all, he pointed out, she was Jewish.
I still said no, carefully reasserting that it wasn’t because she was Jewish but because she was a little too close to my tribe.
I eventually did have sex with someone outside of my family. But by the time I did, I had learned to appreciate the other aspects of a good hookup. Which made the pseudo-bar mitzvah my grandfather had for me bittersweet. So after the whiskey and celebratory prayers, I told him about some of my other adventures, trying to use as respectful language as I could while still getting my point across. He put his arm around me and told me he was proud.
Will Newman hosts a weekly podcast about making out which he, unabashedly, calls “Making Out With Will.“
Photo licensed under Wikimedia Commons.
Read more articles from Issue 08: “The Sex Issue.”
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