Comments on: What Comes First?

By: Sarah Chaya Elisha

Sarah Chaya Elisha — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 06:04:40 +0000

Jessica- Hi. about it being Holy/ Growing up as an observant married Jewish woman I have come to understand that specifically when we enjoy sex since GH-d wants us to then it becomes Holier. G-d wants the enjoyment there the fun etc. So one of the ways we sanctify “sex” is by encouraging and nurturing the intimacy and pleasure and fun withing the married relationship.

By: Joshua Herman

Joshua Herman — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 19:55:31 +0000

Yocheved,

I think this is a great topic for both film and conversation. I’m really interested to see what you were able to capture. It can be a deeply divisive issue, but ultimately it seems open minded people on both sides of the issue agree that it comes down to personal choice. What I’ve always found interesting is that for those that adhere to shomer negiah it empowers their personal choice rather than hinders it. I’ve only heard people describe shomer negiah as a hindrance from those that talk about it from the outside, they perceive it as such. For my personal choice I obviously choose not to adhere to this custom, but I think it’s interesting that no matter where you stand on this idea, either way it forces you to be more aware, and hopefully cherish more sincerely, sharing physical contact with the opposite sex. Really appreciate you sharing your personal story. I only hope someday I find myself in a marriage as loving and solid as yours and Yossi’s.

Hope to see you around a Shabbos table sometime soon.

By: Jeanne

Jeanne — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 07:58:17 +0000

Jessica-
Is there something that keeps holy sex from being fun sex? I definitely would argue that there’s not.

By: calvin frank

calvin frank — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 09:53:56 +0000

Have you consider starting an email list. It would take your site to its potential.

By: Sex and Matrimony – The Chicken or the Egg? « Dear Danielle

Sex and Matrimony – The Chicken or the Egg? « Dear Danielle — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 23:57:28 +0000

[...] http://alefnext.com/the-love-issue/what-comes-first/ [...]

By: Masha

Masha — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 07:50:57 +0000

I do not understand why sex must be kept apart from all the other aspects of having a relationship. There are many skils of a healthy relationship that we do not wait to master until after marriage. Being able to communicate, for example, is also a learned skill that few are good at a priori. Yet, we do not wait until after marriage to learn to communicate effectively with our partner. Sex, in my opinion, is intimate communication on a physical level. It is, in a sense, no different than having an intimate conversation. Aside from arraigned marriages, we tend to make sure we are able to have intimate conversation with our partners before the wedding. We try to achieve a unity of soul before we commit to our partner with a vow. What about the physical level makes it irrelevant?

By: Jessica Annabelle

Jessica Annabelle — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 15:51:02 +0000

Hi Yocheved,

Awesome point about the skill set. I’m going to work that into my sex talks with friends all the time now. Thank you.

The point I still might disagree slight with is that sex is holy- I think sex can be holy. This is of course, fantastic, wonderful, meaningful, and something I think everyone should strive for at some point in their life. But I think it’s ok for sex to just be fun, too. I think this second belief of mine is in conflict with the traditional understanding of Jewish sex (as expressed in Torah) but it’s important to me because I want everyone to feel equally comfortable and accepted in the Jewish community (whether or not they’re invested in or able to have traditionally Jewish sex).

Thanks for making me think!

By: Yocheved Sidof

Yocheved Sidof — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 14:58:40 +0000

Jessica-
Thanks so much for your reply.
Yes, sexuality is an integral part of us, a natural expression of our inner beings, a potent force that definitely must not be repressed.
The statement â€œhe truly loves me for me, and not how adept I may be in bedâ€ was not refering to the sexual part of myself, but to my skill level. In other words, how ‘good’ I was at sex was not a factor. Surely, how ‘skilled’ you are at something does not make you more or less lovable as a person. I don’t think anyone would argue that you’re more lovable, or have greater personal value, if you’re a really good bike rider or you can juggle. That’s a skill set. What would suggest something is, how hard do you try? Are you willing to take risks? Are you patient? Fun? All things that, in my opinion, to a perceptive partner, can be observed in other interactins, not just the sexual arena.
As far as the â€˜nobody has great sex right awayâ€™ line- sure, some people may have exlposive sex right away. Depends how you define’great sex’. Besides physically pleasurable, is it also emotionally gratifying? Spiritually-fulfilling? Needs-meeting in other ways? How is that kind of sex built? …
Sex is a HUGE, HUGE part of a relationship, and expressing our sexual desires is not just a physical pleasure, it’s even holy. In a culture obsessed with instant-gratification, my aim was to suggest another context to explore our sexual compatibility and build our sexual relationships.
Thanks again!

By: Jessica Annabelle

Jessica Annabelle — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 17:32:20 +0000

First of all- I don’t have anything against waiting until marriage. I think this can totally work for people, and be a really fulfilling choice.

But I don’t agree with this “he truly loves me for me, and not how adept I may be in bed” argument. First of all, how adept you are in bed is PART of you. Sexuality is not somehow magically separable from your personality- because it’s a natural part of who you are, I think it’s incredibly important that your partner love you for all you are, including how adept you may be in bed.

Also- the idea that ‘nobody has great sex right away’ is false. It’s no guarantee, but it totally happens.