Alef: The NEXT Conversation
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The Interfaith Question
When we posted “Dating Jewish Men” yesterday, we didn’t realize how much conversation it would spark. It appears that how we decide who to spend our lives with is a really hot topic. So, we want to bring the men into the conversation too and hear what you all have to say.
Is it important to you to end up with someone who is Jewish? If that’s the case, is it imperative to only date Jewish people along the way?
Photo by victoriapeckham, licensed under Creative Commons.
Tags: conversation, dating, interfaith, marriage
17 Responses to “The Interfaith Question”
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It’s an interesting set of questions, because I tend to believe that not every relationship has to end in marriage. BUT, if there’s even a chance that it could, how early on do you need to make it clear that’s what you’re looking for?
A Jewish friend once told me that she wanted to marry a Jewish guy. She is Jewish, but completely non-practicing. This made me think – is it imperrative that I marry a Jewish girl? Not necessarily. I would much prefer to marry someone passionate about theology, culture, and spirituality than an insouciant Jew. That being said, yes. I want to marry someone who is Jewish. And I (maybe wrongly) believe that at this point in my life relationships are to work toward marriage. I don’t want to waste my, or someone else’s, time in a relationship I know can’t go anywhere. Maybe this is a longer conversation!
When I describe my last relationship, many people are surprised to find out that my ex was Muslim. They are very adamant that we must have had the type of relationship that Romeo and Juliet had, a love that had to overcome impossible hurdles just to exist. Outsiders assume that religion must be the primary reason my ex is now an ex. The truth of the matter is, our relationship ended due personality differences more any other factor.
In actuality, religion did not remotely influence the quality of our relationship. My ex attended NEXT events with me (he loved krav maga) and I broke the Ramadan fast at his families house. There were actually very few examples from our time together where we were remotely aware of religion. He wouldn’t post pictures of us on his Facebook in case his cousins in Egypt thought it was inappropriate. I once had to explain to a family member of mine that she didn’t have to like him, but I did, and if she wanted to be involved in our life together she would need to accept that.
Being in that relationship was an eye-opener to me. I realized that when you love someone- that’s it, just love. You love them because they are themselves, religion and all. The funny part is, being with someone who celebrated a different religion, only made me want to celebrate mine more. So I learned that while it isn’t important to me whether I end up marrying Jewish or not, it is important to me that I end up marrying someone who will allow me to celebrate my religion to the fullest.
For a long time I didn’t want anything to do with Jewish women. It wasn’t anything I did on purpose, it just always seemed to work out that way, as if I subconsciously didn’t want to date anyone that reminded me of me, even as my own Jewish identity wasn’t that developed.
But honestly, like it seems it happened for a lot of people, after I came back from Birthright and had time to deconstruct the trip and what it meant to me, it suddenly started becoming important for me to raise my children Jewish.
This was several years ago, and my desires are the same – I know I want my children to recognize where they come from and to understand that they are Jews, and are connected to the culture and heritage of these beautiful people.
At the same time, I don’t necessarily think I need to date or marry a Jewish woman for this to be possible. I know that it makes it a lot harder to raise your children Jewish and be guaranteed of the fact that they won’t be confused about their identity, but at the same time I don’t want to close off my dating options or hold myself back from the possibility of falling in love with someone who isn’t Jewish. So long as they are comfortable with raising our children to recognize they are Jews, I don’t see an issue with it, even while it might not be the ideal approach.
Get real Misha! Only Jewish women can give birth to and raise Jewish children. If you get married to a gentile women you children will be gentiles. End of story!
I have been performing interfaith weddings since 1986. At that time I was told that within 20 years the Jewish community in America would be no more because of assimilation and intermarriage. I have found that fear to have been totally unfounded. Most of the interfaith marriages that ask for a rabbi to officiate, when performed in a manner, as I do, that honors the religious and cultural traditions of each family represented, and does not require the bride and groom to begin their married life by telling the rabbi lies that they do not intend to keep; like promising to raise any children Jewish, tend to keep Jewish festivals and holidays and raise their children with a positive knowledge of their Jewish heritage. I had one couple that I married whose two daughters I performed a Zebed HaBat for. One daughter was later confirmed in the Methodist Church. I was privileged to perform her wedding. The other daughter, I performed her Bat mitzvah.
Gershon Steinberg-Caudhill; You are not a real Rabbi! The Torah forbids intermarriage. You are just anither anti-semite who wants to destroy Judaism. You are a disgrace to all real Rabbis in the world. You are a modern-day Haman. You are neither a Rabbi or Jew!
Marriage and raising children with a Jewish partner is likely easier and maybe more clear-cut than it is within a mixed-marriage. However the anti-intermarriage argument (and there are arguments more compelling than calling those one disagrees with “anti-Semites”) isn’t as coherent or compelling as it once was. I know of many children who live rich, joyous Jewish lives who had a non- Jewish parent that was committed to supporting them, and I know of many couples that have enriched the Jewish peoplehood with the grace with which they negotiate inter-marriage issues. Of course this is no surprise, being that many of the greatest Biblical Jews came from less than “pure” Jewish parentage….even this past week’s Parsha points out that our own Moses married a women who’s father (Yitro) was a great man, but not Jewish….
anti: Real Jews do not participate in lashon hara. You could alienate more Jews in a few posts than the Rabbi could do in 20 years.
well put, Yehudit. Anti’s words are cold and thoughtless.
In the long run, interfaith relationships ensure Jewish continuity more than people might think, because the non-Jewish partner is often the one who’s more enthusiastic about Judaism. It’s new and exciting for them, and they don’t have any residual subconscious shame. If you were dating a Buddhist, wouldn’t you bug your partner to take you to meditation, even if they roll their eyes and aren’t enthused about the idea? Non-Jewish partners are often the ones who facilitate a Jewish spark in the Jewish partners.
And as my grandmother likes to say, “it is good also for the Jewish genes; get some new ones in there.”
Ilya, what you’re saying is right on. My mother, who converted to Judaism in her mid-twenties, is FAR more enthusiastic about Judaism than my father who was born Jewish.
Wow- this is such an important conversation! Power to you Aleph for creating this space!
I wish there was a way to express these points in a face-to-face conversation! Here’s my two sense, in a nutshell:
I feel it is imperative to marry Jewish, and not for the arguments that that already been mentioned.
It’s not important to marry Jewish so that your children won’t have mixed-messages regarding religion. There are plenty of families, whose parents are both Jewish, where there is no a clear or unified perspective on their Jewish practice. One parent wants to go to synagogue, the other thinks its all bogus; one parent wants to keep a kosher home, the other doesn’t; for one parent, Passover means a box of Matzot and Manischewitz, for the other parent, an elaborate Seder with a full seder-plate and songs, etc. Marrying Jewish is not about avoiding religious confusion.
Nor is it vital to marry Jewish so that families will have a cohesive cultural identity. Jews span the globe, and are a part of a multitude of cultures, speak every language, and hold onto different customs- yet, you see successful marriages between Russian and Spanish Jews, Indian and Polish Jews, Iranian and Mexican Jews, etc. Marrying Jewish is not about avoiding a cultural divide.
Nor is it imperative to marry Jewish just to avoid assimilation, as is commonly argued (although this is very important). Marrying Jewish is not an insurance policy toward keepin Jews around for the next millennium. Our nation has endured, and survived, pogroms, expulsions, and the Holocaust. Our numbers are dwindling at a rapid rate- yet we persevere. Intermarriage will not wipe Jews off this planet- nothing will. Marrying Jewish is not only about Jewish continuity.
That’s because being Jewish is not just a religious identity, nor just a cultural one. Being Jewish is an Essential identity, the true essence of our souls. Being Jewish, whether by being born to a Jewish mother or though proper conversion, means that you have a special mandate- to spread G-d’s light in this world through Torah and Mitzvot, and to make this world, that seems so lowly and physical, a dwelling place for G-d. We are not better, nor worse, than the other nations. We are different. And there’s no reason to apologize.
How else could you explain how two Jews, who have never met before, have no shared interests, opposite political leanings, no mutual language, or different observant levels could meet and feel a special bond, deeply comfortable with each other, feeling a sense of belonging that is beyond words? Being Jewish surpasses all boundaries- it is not quantifiable or qualifiable.
Marriage is not just about love, compromise, shared interests, or common goals. Marriage is a sacred union- a true merging of souls. It’s taught in Jewish mysticism that forty days before a person is conceived, a voice declares in the Heavens- “this soul is destined to marry so and so.” (Cool, huh?)
Marrying Jewish means finding your soulmate, the other half of your soul, that, as a Jew, has a unique mission. Marrying a non-Jew, even if they’re totally tolerant, really great, completely committed to bringing your kids up Jewish, and may even love Judaism, is not doing your true-self justice, not allowing yourself to ever be fully actualized as a person. It sounds intense, I know… But it is.
Finding the Right One is no easy task- especially not when we’re so integrated into the world and we’re not only surrounded by Jews. It’s hard to say no to someone who we like, is attractive, and who seems really great, based on something so ethereal like ‘religion’. But keep the faith- your soulmate is out there, and with G-d’s help, you’ll find him. Get close to your soul, and the love will follow.
Snaps to Yocheved. You put into words exactly what I couldn’t describe!
Thank you Yocheved! You so eloquently put exactly the right response. Please don’t intermarry! You are hurting Am Yisroel and yourselves!
An article about some of the challenges that arise when you have children from mixed-marriages. Obviously this is just one example but I think it’s interesting to see the sorts of things people sometimes end up dealing with.
http://www.christianpost.com/article/20100217/catholic-father-jewish-mother-battle-over-daughter-s-faith/