Alef: The NEXT Conversation
Big Q’s, small r’s
By Ari Averbach
This post originally appeared on 10-29-2010
The day after Vanessa and I met at a bar (ugh, I know, right?) I got an email from JDate – “We Found You a New Match!” and it was her. No joke. Now, I would take this as a sign, except that JDate sends out this same email every day. Each time with a new match, or with 6 new matches, that might fit into your general parameters for your dream partner.
“She’s Jewish and lives within 100 miles of you! Click here to find out more!”
It doesn’t take much science. (Granted, I know some very happy couples who met on JDate — but let’s leave the tales of fate via JDate for another story.)
So, yes, against everything I thought I believed in, I met Vanessa at a bar. Not only a bar, but a bar called Big Foot Lodge. She was there with what looked like a support group for severe burn victims — turns out they had just come from ZombieFest and were covered in make-up. Vanessa, filled with gall and spunk and half a beer but not wearing any crazy make-up, came up to me insisting she knew who I was. We talked for over an hour. My roommate, who was watching all this, texted me, “For the love of gd, get her number!”
I did.
Our first date was super. Our second date was a shiva call. Third date – I picked her up from the airport and dropped her off at work. Now, it’s been years since I’ve been in a real relationship, but this seemed odd to me. I didn’t think we were playing the game correctly. I realized that I was spending all my free time with her, and talking only about her at all other times. I met her family, she met mine, they met each other. Fretting aside, there were no hitches.
So, here’s what I’ve learned about relationships in the eight months we’ve been together: nothing. There aren’t Relationships (capital R), only relationships (small r). Sorry if that sounds didactic, but they are completely personal. I have two friends who started dating their significant others at the same time I started seeing Vanessa, but decided to move at a different pace. There is nothing about our relationships that is alike, except that we are all happy.
At the beginning, we would compare notes about the juicy details. Have you said I love you? You used the word Girlfriend? You met her parents? What’s third base?
Over the months, the questions morphed into more serious matters. Have you lit Shabbat candles together? Which synagogue will you guys attend for Rosh Hashanah? Whose parents are going to relinquish break-fast so everyone can be one big family?
These are the questions that will hopefully speak of our futures. They are Jewish questions, sure, but more importantly they determine who we are and who we want to be – as individuals and as a couple. Our comparisons have taught us that there is no universal overlay – we are not in a competition with a finish line. The goal cannot be meted out in a rubric to determine what the relationship should look like. Luckily for me, Vanessa and I are figuring out how to answer these questions each step of the way.
Photo by Stefan Baudy, licensed under Creative Commons.
Sitting Shiva in the Land of Oz
By Stephanie Spiegel
Back at the hotel, flipping through the cable channels, I stumbled upon a favorite movie from childhood – The Wizard of Oz. In spite of my grief, I watched the film and my thoughts become a bit more focused.
Sitting in my aunt and cousin’s home, where my uncle’s death had left my family with an overwhelming sense of loss, I realized that we seek the same things that Dorothy and her three friends did on their journey to Oz:
As a scarecrow without a brain, we try to comprehend, but cannot.
As a tin-man without a heart, our hearts are heavy and torn.
As a lion without courage, we are weakened and feel powerless.
As a traveler without a home, we feel loss but search for comfort.
As we seek to fill the spiritual void, we look to that ultimate wizard. He/She/It, whatever you may subscribe to, tells us to sit shiva, say Kaddish, and reflect on the good times, to once again emerge into light and normal life. At that moment, I felt “there was no place like this home,” to be here with my family and for my family during this time.
Dedicated to my uncle, Edward ‘Ezra’ Spiegel (my father’s brother and best friend); my cousins Beryl, Jason, and Jared’s father, and my aunt Elissa.
…
Photo by Fabio Ikezaki, licensed under Creative Commons.
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