Alef: The NEXT Conversation
A Jewish Relationship
by Emily Comisar
This year I went to Yom Kippur services for the first time since I was in college. The experience overall was surprisingly moving, but there was one moment in particular that has given me much to think about in terms of the way that I relate to my partner.
For the part of the service that we beat our chests and recited our communal and individual sins, the congregation I attended added some flaws — in English — that were meant to speak to our modern lives. Along with over 1,000 other Jews I recited “for condemning in our children the faults we tolerate in ourselves; for condemning in our parents the faults we tolerate in ourselves.”
As a more eloquent way of stating the golden rule, this sin should have been obvious but I was blown back off my seat. Not only is the admission of condemnation applicable to parents and children, but all of the other people in my life as well. It is especially true of my relationship with my significant other who, upon being asked, said he didn’t think that I had ever expected things of him that I didn’t expect of myself, but how many people would say that out loud anyway?
Compromise is a part of every relationship, but when each of you comes from very different backgrounds, the road requires much more thoughtful navigation. Although I often balk at the mere insinuation that intermarriage is going to be the end of the Jewish people, I find myself continually asserting (perhaps over-asserting) my own culture, history, and set of rituals in our shared home. We prepare a Rosh Hashanah dinner and break-fast celebration for the new year. We light the Hanukkah candles all eight nights (and he has even learned the first words of the blessing). We host a second night Passover Seder. We do all of those things, on top of talking about Judaism, Jewish people, and what it means to be Jewish.
I am so proud of being Jewish that on our fifth date, I gushed for maybe twenty minutes about how much I love the concept of Shabbat. But, all this reflection makes me wonder if I’ve actually made room in my life for the things that make my partner who he is as well. I don’t have to give up who I am to fully embrace who someone else is too. Being someone who makes New Year’s resolutions at Rosh Hashana and on January first I find myself beholden to try something new. 5772 isn’t just about being who I am – it’s about experiencing someone else’s traditions too.
Photo by CarbonNYC, licensed under Creative Commons.
Non-Negotiables and Nice-to-Haves
by Erika Ettin
I’d like a large pie with extra cheese, mushrooms, sausage, and broccoli. But make sure the cheese is covering the whole pizza because I don’t like baldness, and actually, why don’t you hold the sausage? I’d like someone who keeps kosher. And while you’re there, make sure those mushrooms are well-educated, like maybe with a master’s or PhD. And as for the broccoli, can you make sure it’s a certain height because I only want it if it’s tall. Could I get that to go? Thanks.
Someone recently told me that online dating was like ordering a pizza. At first I laughed at that analogy, then I cringed, and then I realized that he was right. We are all looking for that on-paper perfect mate. And since online dating sites give so much choice in the matter, we think it’s our right to have everything we’re looking for. Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with wanting certain things – I did, and that’s how I found my boyfriend, Jeremy, after about 120 JDates. (Yes – you read that correctly.)
It’s first important to pinpoint your non-negotiables. I had two things at the top of the list – Judaism and intelligence. Meeting someone Jewish was very important to me. I’m not the most religious person in terms of upholding every ritual (I can’t lie – I enjoy a club sandwich with bacon now and then), but the cultural aspect was important to me. I wanted someone who understood why I ate kugel and brisket and knew that holidays start at night, not in the morning. I wanted someone who, like me, felt that a shared religious background was important. And intelligence – I guess that one’s self-explanatory. But online, there’s so much to choose from beyond these non-negotiables.
My first piece of advice is to stick with your non-negotiable list, as long there are less than five things on the list. If there are more, it’s time to re-evaluate to see what might be a “nice-to-have” instead. With online dating, you can easily stick to your guns on that. How did I do it? I joined JDate and not another site, like Match.com or OKCupid. Why? Everyone is Jewish. Non-negotiable #1 – check. And as for intelligence, I got around that one by searching only for men with graduate degrees. Sure, there are plenty of very intelligent people with a bachelor’s or no degree at all (and plenty of less-than-intelligent people with grad degrees), but this was an easier way for me to check off that box. Non-negotiable #2 – check. What about the rest of the things on my list, though? A sense of humor, brown, curly hair (yes – I have a type), nice teeth, a good family, etc. These are things that we may want, but in reality, if someone has other qualities that are different and just as appealing, it won’t matter in the least.
So, what if someone out there looks good but doesn’t necessarily fit every little thing we want after those non-negotiables? I’d venture to say – try ‘em out anyway. When we walk into a bar (or Birthright alumni event?) and see someone we like, that guy or girl doesn’t have a chart attached to his or her forehead full of credentials, stats, and dislikes. (Wouldn’t that be a pretty funny sight?!) We trust our instincts; we go with chemistry. But online, we have so much information that it’s almost too easy to discard someone simply because he is only 5’6 or she has a fondness for US Weekly rather than the latest issue of The Economist. (I’m not saying I know anyone like that.)
I was chatting with someone recently who met her boyfriend at a climbing wall. They had known each other for a while, and ironically enough, when they eventually started dating, he came up as one of her matches on OkCupid that week. She looked at his profile and said, “I would have never gone out with him after reading this.” I guess she thought she was in the mood for a Hawaiian pizza, but in reality, what she wanted was much simpler – plain cheese.
So, go ahead, order whatever you want for dinner tonight, but when it comes to dating, there’s no check-box order to place. Stay true to your list of “can’t live withouts,” but beyond that, give people the benefit of the doubt because in the end after meeting in person, chemistry may trump all to give you the slice of your life.
Erika Ettin is the Founder of A Little Nudge, helping people find success in online dating and getting them excited about its possibilities. “Like” A Little Nudge on Facebook, or follow on Twitter.
Photo by barbtrek, licensed under Creative Commons.
What Comes First?
By Yocheved Sidof
What comes first, the chicken or the egg? What about love or sex? In my life, Love came first; or so I thought…
I grew up in a tightly knit Chassidic community in the Midwest, the first-born child of Iranian immigrants. I was raised with a lot of rules. Some were religiously influenced and others were cultural, but one of the big rules – NO Boys – fell equally into both categories: big-time religious and cultural no-no’s. According to the laws of Tzniut (modesty), boys and girls are separated from a very young age. There is very little socializing, and absolutely no touching, between opposite genders in strict Orthodox communities. (These laws are meant to sensitize us to the power of attraction and the sanctity of sexuality). That aside, there was no way my parents would let their Persian Princess be swept off her feet too easily; it just wouldn’t fly.
I came to New York City at the vulnerable age of seventeen to attend Stern College for Women. It was my first independent foray into this crazy “concrete jungle where dreams are made of” (Sorry, I couldn’t resist). Suddenly, I was surrounded by tons of women who were hanging out with guys, dating, looking for The One. My friends covered the whole spectrum: some dated without touching their partners at all, while others slept with their boyfriends. I fell somewhere in the middle. (Don’t tell my parents.) As I searched for my soulmate, I had one big rule – I would only have sex with my husband.
The issues of touch and sexuality were never so clear-cut for me. My convictions were totally in-line with my upbringing, but it was hard to hold stead-fast when there were so many pressures to deal with. Then, after years of tumultuous relationships and broken hearts, I met my man. We shared common interests, common values, and common goals, but we never shared a bed; we wanted our intimate life to begin as a committed, married couple.
We both believed in the sanctity of sex, and wanted to express that union of body and soul only within the context of a committed marriage. Sure it’s a risk (we all know the ‘test-drive a car’ analogy), but it was a risk we felt was worth taking.
I’m directing a documentary called Can’t Touch This, about the laws surrounding premarital intimacy in Judaism, i.e. Shomer Negiah. We have on-camera interviews with Rabbis, sex therapists, psychologists, and educators, and most importantly, hours of honest conversation with people who grapple with this question almost everyday: What is the interplay between religion and sex? How, if at all, does a person’s belief in G-d inform his or her sexual choices?
For one of my favorite shoots we traipsed to Times Square, camera in tow, to get some man-on-the-street interviews. Under the tantalizing billboards of scantily-clad men and women, we asked our fellow New Yorkers questions about sexuality, such as: How often do you think about sex? How did you learn about sex? What is meaningful touch? If in a relationship, how long would you wait to have sex? One honest man offered this take on building sexual compatibility: “If you have the mental chemistry, and you’re hitting it off, I believe the sex can be just as exciting. It just has to be… nurtured. And I just have not been lucky enough to find someone with that kind of patience. We live in a fast food society, fast sex, everything is fast. I don’t have time to practice with you. We’ve got to get it right the first or second time, or I’ve got to move on.”
I didn’t decide to marry my husband based on our sexual compatibility, how great he is in bed, or how quickly we each learned the other’s desires… I didn’t have any idea how we’d vibe together as a sexual couple. We formed our shared sexual identity as a married couple, and that created a beautiful, yet very vulnerable, sense of intimacy. Love and sex were woven together in a cycle, allowing each to nurture the other. It definitely wasn’t seamless, but I knew that even if our intimate life wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t at risk of losing him–he truly loves me for me, and not for how adept I may be in bed. We would work through the rough patches, and commit ourselves to gratifying each other–not for sex’s sake, but for love’s.
And you know what? That man-on-the-street is right. We do have unrealistic expectations about sexual gratification. Popular media totally misleads us about how sexual compatibility is formed. It’s not instantaneous. Nobody has ‘great sex’ right away. It takes time, practice, sensitivity, commitment … and a whole lot of love.
…
This post originally appeared on Alef October 22, 2010.
Yocheved Sidof is a photographer, filmmaker, and teacher who lives in Brooklyn, NY. She and her husband Yossi are the proud parents of Reuven Uriyah, 4 years old, Ma’ayan Chaya, 2 and a half, and Tzofia Malka, 3 months.
Photo provided by the author.
Valentines Day in August
Today is August 15th. In Jewish calendar terms, it’s also Tu B’Av, the 15th of the month of Av; a happy coincidence this year. This Jewish holiday was once a celebration of the grape harvest but is now lovingly referred to as the Jewish Valentine’s Day. The jury is no doubt split on the issue of whether or not the world really needs a second V-Day, but there it is, smack dab in the middle of the hottest month of the year. It’s a popular day for weddings, but if you’re like most of the Alef staff and not quite ready to take that leap then really it’s just a good excuse for eating chocolate, making out in public, or being extra nice to mom.
To celebrate the occasion, we have decided to try something at the mid-point on the commitment spectrum. What you’re reading is the first in a weekly series of columns on love. We’re going to have a constantly rotating cast of writers so don’t fret, we won’t make you read week after week’s worth of our own pontificating (we’ll spare you as much as we can). To be in our cast of bloggers for the Love Column, email us at alef@birthrightisraelnext.org with “Love Column” in the subject line.
Happy Tu B’Av!
Photo by Dev Null, licensed under Creative Commons.
A Love-Hate Relationship with Food
By Rella K.
I have a love-hate relationship with food.
I don’t think most of my friends know there is a “hate” side to my relationship with food. I’m an avid food blogger. I’m always trying new dishes, new foods, new ingredients. I’ll frequently spend an entire Sunday just cooking and baking, and then a host 5-course dinner party.
I grew up in a community that put an incredible amount of stress on being thin. Everyone I knew was on a diet; some were pretty ordinary like limiting fat intake and eating lots of fruits and vegetables. Some were pretty ridiculous like eating nothing other than rice cakes for an entire 8-hour day of school. And then there were the dangerous eating habits—the severe limitations on food intake, and the throwing up in the bathroom after lunch. [And by the way, this all started in middle school].
When I was in the tenth grade one of my classmates spent a summer in a clinic being treated for an eating disorder. I think she was lucky—at least her parents were willing to admit to her problem. For so many other girls I knew, disordered eating patterns were just par for the course. Because really, if you weren’t a size 2 nobody would want to marry you (or at least that’s the message we got).
I’m not going to lie; I thought about following in the footsteps of those around me. I was overweight throughout most of high school, perhaps unconsciously trying to counteract what I was seeing around me with all the restrictions people put on their own appetites. Objectively I knew (and know) that skipping meals or throwing up is bad, and I never did it, but it didn’t stop me from thinking that maybe that had it right. Luckily college was a breath of fresh air, and I think the reduced stress contributed to my dropping a significant number of pounds I had been unable to shed for years before.
Hence, my love-hate relationship with food. Truth be told, the love wins out most of the time (luckily). I receive immense pleasure from writing and photographing for my food blog; I love when my friends call me their “recipe guru;” and I find that after a stressful day at work, whipping up a batch of sumptuous chocolate chip banana nut muffins is relaxing, even cathartic.
Still, I sometimes get an inkling in the back of my mind after I have a meal I know is high in calories and fat. Don’t get me wrong, I eat in a very healthy manner, and I cook for myself a lot so I know exactly what goes into things. But I eat out at restaurants, and I have meals at friend’s houses, and as much as I hate it, I think about every bite I put in my mouth.
Do I wish I didn’t obsess about food so much? Maybe. But I wonder if my obsession ultimately led me to discover how passionate I am about food, cooking, and blogging about it. Sure, I’d prefer I hadn’t grown up in such a toxic environment, but I’m a firm believer that our experiences shape who we are. And I’m happy with who I am today.
…
Image provided by Dan4th, licensed under Creative Commons.
Click here to read more from our “Why I Eat What I Eat” series.
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