Alef: The NEXT Conversation
10 Questions
by Emily Comisar
In Fall of 2009 I signed up for the first time for 10Q, a project by Reboot that encourages participants to take a little time for reflection by answering questions about themselves each of the ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I never found any the questions particularly hard-hitting and as I write the answers every year, I wonder if my responses will really change at this time next year. But then something happens. Reboot does something they lovingly refer to as “opening the vault” and without fail, about a week before Rosh Hashanah I get an email with all of my answers from the previous year.
The mid-twenties of any one’s life are a time of rapid change; jobs come and go, relationships are formed, weddings and babies are had and so on. Even with this in mind, I am continually surprised when I re-read my answers to last year’s questions knowing what I know now, 365 days later (give or take).
The whole concept behind the High Holidays is full of promise, when you think about it. The chance to atone for your errors and be once again written the in the Book of Life is all about looking forward to greater and happier times, but there is something about participating in 10Q that has made it exceptionally hopeful for me. In 2009 I was mourning the end of an old relationship, in 2010 I was reveling in the joy of a new one and in 2011 and I am looking forward to even greater life changes. Not to mention in each of those years I had a different job title, different set of “extra-curricular” activities, and different relationships with my friends and family. It makes me wonder if this period of constant transformation isn’t just a function of being twenty-six, but a function of being alive. It is hopeful to have in writing just how many things have changed in the last twelve months.
Photo by Eleaf, licensed under Creative Commons.
A Very Rosh Hashana Weekly Pita
Brought to you by…
1. Your favorite Apple device:
2. Dancing Yeshiva boys:
3. Some ominous guitar (?) playing:
4. The Jewish Women’s Archive and their Rosh Hashanah Video Roundup (for all the great ones not already featured here).
5. The Chief Rabbi – via Jewish Ideas Daily.
6. Apples and Honey…or rather, going beyond apples and honey with the Washington Post.
He Said/She Said
By Emily Kapit and Jon Kapit
The High Holy Days are behind us, as are copious amounts of apples and honey, autumn’s run-ins with gefilte fish and, most importantly, atoning for one’s sins while trying not to think about food of any kind. In past years, I felt that the gnawing hunger in my stomach was enough of a reminder about the previous year’s sins that I opted out of further self-scrutiny, choosing instead to focus on a distracting book or movie to get me to my bagel-and-schmear-a-thon.
This year, however, I found myself thinking quite a bit about the fact that, two years into married life, it’s not just about me anymore. It dawned on me that the “Who have I wronged?” sins are often aimed at the one I love most, resulting in failings that can cause marital strife.
While the High Holy Days will always include the component of looking inward, it seems blatantly apparent that once you start thinking about seriously committing to another person, curbing sins often means learning the art of compromise. With that in mind, I bring you a running dialogue between myself and co-conspirator in life/husband, Jon Kapit, as we present our own take on the art of marital compromise. While we are far from perfecting the spousal give-and-take necessary for maintaining a happy home, our hope is that by compromising on our preferences, needs, and desires, we will cut down on hurting each other in the following years:
Temperature in the Apartment
He said: Finally! Some decent fall temperatures! I’m still putting the air on in here.
She said: Are you crazy?!? I’m freezing! How are you wearing shorts?
He said: You do realize that it’s 65 degrees outside? Oh, right—anything below 75 and you’re donning snow gear. You know, if you’re cold, you can always add more clothing. Once the temperature gets above 80, you can only take off so much in public.
She said: I think I should invest in a Snuggie.
He said: Until then, I’ll wait until you’re in bed before turning the air down to 60 degrees.
What to Watch on TV
He said: Oh great—The Dark Knight is on again tonight! [or insert any “guy’s movie” that is shown on a continuous loop]
She said: It’s on the same HBO channel every night and I’m behind on Gossip Girl.
He said: [While flipping through the on-screen guide] Look, there’s an episode of The Office on that we’ve not yet seen—want to watch that and then I’ll go watch my movie in the other room while you watch Gossip Girl?
She said: Done and done.
What to Watch (part two)
He said: It’s a Rocky marathon!
She said: If you need me, I’ll be out running errands and otherwise avoiding this apartment for the next several hours.
He said: But they’re including the sixth movie too!
She said: I’ll see you tomorrow.
Food
She said: I think I am going to become a vegetarian or perhaps a pescatarian, since I’d prefer fish for my protein over tofu, but don’t want meat at all.
He said: That’s fine so long as you don’t become a vegan. I don’t know where the heck we’ll eat…ever. And I am still eating red meat—can I have your meat portion at parties now too?
Taking Out the Dog
He said: I’ll take her out twice today if you take her out twice tomorrow.
She said: But it’s going to be COLD tomorrow [see above section regarding temperature].
He said: You have a closet full of coats—pick one.
The dog said: My coat is on and ready to go—can we just GO? I’m the one who has to go out three times a day, regardless of who takes me and how much you “discuss” the schedule.
Being on Time
He said: Just remember that you have to be ready to go in five hours. If you insist on waiting until the last possible minute to start getting ready, you’re paying for the cab.
She said: I have five hours to get ready? Why are you bringing this up now? Of course I’ll be ready!
[Four hours and fifty-five minutes later]
She said: Um, will you please go ahead and hail the cab? I don’t want to wait in the cold when we’re already running late.
Author’s note: Now that we live in Atlanta and not Manhattan, this compromise has evolved into telling friends/family/hosts which person caused us to be late.
Writing this Article
She said: I am putting a reminder in your calendar that this article is due on Monday afternoon so we need to finish it on Sunday.
He said: The Giants are playing on Sunday night so I’ll just read it when you’re done.*
*Author’s note: Jon very recently added strategic multi-tasking to his list of attributes on which he’s working to improve. He truly added quite a bit to this piece though, during the game’s commercial breaks.
Clearly, our dialogue is quite tongue-in-cheek but the compromises detailed above are still more than relevant: the success of a serious relationship is often contingent on both individuals’ negotiation skills as well as the ability to work with the other’s preferences and quirks. The sins of which I spoke at the beginning of this article pertain to those that may not necessarily cause physical injury to another person; rather, they are the kind of minor transgressions that can snowball into major issues. If the High Holy Days—and the whole year, really—are about doing what’s right to ensure being written into the proverbial Book of Life, then it is important to remember that even small compromises can lead back to fulfilling the obligation of treating loved ones with respect.
She said: Regarding compromises, it’s hard but always satisfactory in the end.
He said: That’s what she said.
Emily Kapit is a career coach and blogger, concentrating on young professionals searching for a meaningful career. You can learn more at her website ReFresh Your Step.
Jon Kapit works at TriMont Real Estate Advisors in Atlanta where he oversees investments in hotels and other property sites. Additionally, he loves every mafia, Sylvester Stallone, and Will Ferrell movie ever made.
Photo by Genista, licensed under Creative Commons.
05: Death and Tragedy
This week we introduce Issue #5: Death and Tragedy
…
It may seem strange to have the first issue of the new year focus on death and tragedy. The beginning of a new year is typically a time for excitement and enthusiasm, an opportunity to create new beginnings and improve ourselves through resolutions. But the American New Year, or in general, the secular observance of the new year in the Gregorian calendar, is a moment in time, a clock striking midnight. In that second, one year is completely gone and a new one is suddenly upon us. This concept, however, sits in stark contrast to our observance of the Jewish New Year – a period of 10 days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur that serves as a time to embark on a process of repentance, reflection, and renewal.
While it is nice to imagine that a singular instance can bring about all the change that hope for, the reality – and particularly the Jewish reality – is often not so simple. While this is the perfect time to start over or try again, it is also a time to ponder what we have lost and learned, and to use the lessons from our lives to help us become better people for the coming year.
We have all experienced loss. Many of us have lost grandparents, parents, or friends. As Jews we are also affected by the vastness of our collective historical death and tragedy, underlined most violently by the Holocaust. Just as the Jewish New Year is a 10-day stretch that takes us from one of the most joyous Jewish holidays (Rosh Hashanah) through to the most somber (Yom Kippur), grieving, healing from that grief, and growing from it, is all part of a very similar process, one that isn’t an instantaneous transformation, but is rather one that takes time.
In this issue, we explore death and tragedy as a way of reminding ourselves that, as Jews, we have a responsibility to remember those who have come before, even as we celebrate the possibilities inherent in the concept of a new year. We’ll look at how death has affected some us, maybe changed us, or in certain cases, not affected us at all. Although this is an incredibly vast topic, we hope these stories will shed light on how we experience death and tragedy through a Jewish lens.
- Alef
Photo by jpc101 licensed under Creative Commons.
…
Death and Tragedy Posts:
Grave Recollection
Clear
Inglourious Basterds
To Mom With Love
Sitting Shiva in the Land of Oz
My Jewish Jeanne
January 14
1Q + 1Q + 1Q… What we learned from 10Q
As you may recall, for the past 10 days Alef has been pretty excited about a program put on by our good friends over at Reboot called 10Q. During the 10 days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, 10Q emailed thought-provoking questions designed to get users into the contemplative mood of the High Holidays. Participants submitted their responses, and in a year from now these responses will be emailed back to everyone to show them just how far they have (or haven’t) come over the past year.Â
Whether you went to synagogue or the movies on Yom Kippur, ate apples & honey or chugged appletinis, 10Q was designed to be meaningful to everyone who participated, regardless of how else they may have celebrated.
“Sure,” you may say to yourself. “Sounds fun, but how ‘thought-provoking’ could it really be?“
Answers to questions ranged from “pithy” to “profound”, but it’s clear that people took the opportunity to reflect on their lives over the past year.  Most answers were deeply personal, and refreshingly thoughtful. Day after day, people demonstrated how friends and family, world events such as the 2008 U.S. elections, and personal connections to the State of Israel helped shape who they were.
On day 3, 10Q asked:
Think about a major milestone that happened with your family from 2009. How has this affected you?
-My brother was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident when he was 18 years old. He met me in NYC for the first time and took a ferry to Staten Island to see the Statue of Liberty. He also went to Jewish services and wore talit. I have never seen him so happy…
On day 5, 10Q asked:
Have you had any particularly spiritual experiences this past year?
-I want to be more religious or spiritual but I feel alone. My parents don’t support it and I think the only way I will keep Judaism around in my life is if I find someone Jewish to date/marry.”
-I began wearing my grandma’s jewelry and feel a desire to visit her grave. I am hoping to make this possible in the near future and connect with her again.
-I lost God, and I couldn’t be happier.
This round of 10Q is over, and like the High Holidays themselves, the question shifts from “”What has brought you to this point in your life?” to “What are you going to do over the next year?” Understandably, a lot of the momentum we build during the High Holidays tends to slip away as we reenter our every day lives. Fortunately, there’s a great new initiative that helps keep the introspection, the thoughtfulness, and the significance of the last 10 days fresh, as we head into a new Jewish year, and toward the Jewish harvest festival of Sukkot. Birthright Israel NEXT’s “Harvest to Harvest” helps connect anyone with volunteer opportunities right in their own community. Know you want to do something to help out, but aren’t sure what you can do? Let Harvest to Harvest help you find the right opportunity near you. Harvest to Harvest even lets you and your friends sign up as a team, so all of you (and your friends) can start the new year by making a difference, together.
We’d love to hear what you thought of 10Q, and how you plan to start the Jewish year of 5770. Post your ideas, thoughts, and stories below!
From all of us at Alef: have a happy and healthy 5770. Shanah tovah!
Image provided by Striatic, in accordance with Creative Commons licensing.
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