Alef: The NEXT Conversation
What Comes First?
By Yocheved Sidof
What comes first, the chicken or the egg? What about love or sex? In my life, Love came first; or so I thought…
I grew up in a tightly knit Chassidic community in the Midwest, the first-born child of Iranian immigrants. I was raised with a lot of rules. Some were religiously influenced and others were cultural, but one of the big rules – NO Boys – fell equally into both categories: big-time religious and cultural no-no’s. According to the laws of Tzniut (modesty), boys and girls are separated from a very young age. There is very little socializing, and absolutely no touching, between opposite genders in strict Orthodox communities. (These laws are meant to sensitize us to the power of attraction and the sanctity of sexuality). That aside, there was no way my parents would let their Persian Princess be swept off her feet too easily; it just wouldn’t fly.
I came to New York City at the vulnerable age of seventeen to attend Stern College for Women. It was my first independent foray into this crazy “concrete jungle where dreams are made of” (Sorry, I couldn’t resist). Suddenly, I was surrounded by tons of women who were hanging out with guys, dating, looking for The One. My friends covered the whole spectrum: some dated without touching their partners at all, while others slept with their boyfriends. I fell somewhere in the middle. (Don’t tell my parents.) As I searched for my soulmate, I had one big rule – I would only have sex with my husband.
The issues of touch and sexuality were never so clear-cut for me. My convictions were totally in-line with my upbringing, but it was hard to hold stead-fast when there were so many pressures to deal with. Then, after years of tumultuous relationships and broken hearts, I met my man. We shared common interests, common values, and common goals, but we never shared a bed; we wanted our intimate life to begin as a committed, married couple.
We both believed in the sanctity of sex, and wanted to express that union of body and soul only within the context of a committed marriage. Sure it’s a risk (we all know the ‘test-drive a car’ analogy), but it was a risk we felt was worth taking.
I’m directing a documentary called Can’t Touch This, about the laws surrounding premarital intimacy in Judaism, i.e. Shomer Negiah. We have on-camera interviews with Rabbis, sex therapists, psychologists, and educators, and most importantly, hours of honest conversation with people who grapple with this question almost everyday: What is the interplay between religion and sex? How, if at all, does a person’s belief in G-d inform his or her sexual choices?
For one of my favorite shoots we traipsed to Times Square, camera in tow, to get some man-on-the-street interviews. Under the tantalizing billboards of scantily-clad men and women, we asked our fellow New Yorkers questions about sexuality, such as: How often do you think about sex? How did you learn about sex? What is meaningful touch? If in a relationship, how long would you wait to have sex? One honest man offered this take on building sexual compatibility: “If you have the mental chemistry, and you’re hitting it off, I believe the sex can be just as exciting. It just has to be… nurtured. And I just have not been lucky enough to find someone with that kind of patience. We live in a fast food society, fast sex, everything is fast. I don’t have time to practice with you. We’ve got to get it right the first or second time, or I’ve got to move on.”
I didn’t decide to marry my husband based on our sexual compatibility, how great he is in bed, or how quickly we each learned the other’s desires… I didn’t have any idea how we’d vibe together as a sexual couple. We formed our shared sexual identity as a married couple, and that created a beautiful, yet very vulnerable, sense of intimacy. Love and sex were woven together in a cycle, allowing each to nurture the other. It definitely wasn’t seamless, but I knew that even if our intimate life wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t at risk of losing him–he truly loves me for me, and not for how adept I may be in bed. We would work through the rough patches, and commit ourselves to gratifying each other–not for sex’s sake, but for love’s.
And you know what? That man-on-the-street is right. We do have unrealistic expectations about sexual gratification. Popular media totally misleads us about how sexual compatibility is formed. It’s not instantaneous. Nobody has ‘great sex’ right away. It takes time, practice, sensitivity, commitment … and a whole lot of love.
…
This post originally appeared on Alef October 22, 2010.
Yocheved Sidof is a photographer, filmmaker, and teacher who lives in Brooklyn, NY. She and her husband Yossi are the proud parents of Reuven Uriyah, 4 years old, Ma’ayan Chaya, 2 and a half, and Tzofia Malka, 3 months.
Photo provided by the author.
This Little Light of Mine
“There is a difference between getting a partner and attracting a partner.
Getting implies that our hooks work; attracting means that
our light is bright and appears like a beacon to one who is meant to see it.”
-Marianne Williamson
By Shara Grifenhagen
When I was 28, I packed up my entire life and moved around the world to be in Israel with the Israeli boyfriend I’d met two years prior. I got to Israel with three suitcases and a dream, and quickly lost myself, as was to be expected (in hindsight). I mean, I moved around the world…of course it was going to take some getting used to. I don’t know why I expected to just show up and be myself. There’s a new culture and a new identity to assume. Sadly, with all these changes, my inner light began to flicker and fade, and I focused so much energy on keeping this guy happy because I could not…under any circumstances…end up alone in a foreign country.
I found myself losing a little more of that inner light each day in order to be the most perfect girlfriend ever. I was convinced that it was him…or nothing.
So you can imagine how devastated I was when that relationship ended. Twice, in fact. We did the break up, get back together and break up thing. And every time we broke up and got back together, my inner light dimmed until it was so dull that I then entered the most volatile and dramatic relationship of my life…a 2-year relationship which I dragged out for about 2 years longer than I should have.
Better to pretend to be someone else than to be alone, right?
Better to pretend I was ok with his questionable fidelity and his dramatic mood swings, than to attend another wedding or another party without a date. Yes, I was officially in darkness at this point.
My hooks certainly worked. I got his attention…but did I really want it?
I feel like we, as women, spend many of our formative years worrying about getting the guy. We lower our necklines and make our skirts shorter. And sadly, we often find ourselves competing with every other girl in the room to get “that guy.” And then when we get him…we do whatever it takes to keep him. Even if it means losing a bit of ourselves.
I mean…let’s be honest. How many of us have been in a relationship where we were so scared that the partner may ditch us and we’d end up alone that we did whatever it took to keep him interested? We went to that stupid emo rock concert and pretended it was the best time ever. We helped him polish his skateboard or arrange that old stamp collection. We encouraged his singing or told him that his disgusting, lumpy chicken pot pie was the best. We were REALLY REALLY interested.
Better to pretend a little bit so this dude likes us more, right? I mean…better to be a little bored (or even boring), than to be alone.
Oh how very very wrong.
When I finally got the courage to end that crazy, unstable relationship and move on, I spent the next few months finally working on myself. I was now 32 years old and had been living in Israel for more than four years. I had to get back to my roots…rediscover the person I’d abandoned when I got off that airplane at Ben Gurion…the woman I was scared I’d buried so deep in my soul that she’d never see the light of day again.
I finally worked on my Hebrew so I could better express myself out in public. I signed up for a photography class since I hadn’t picked up my camera since university…when I was still developing prints in a darkroom. I enrolled in a creative writing class…to challenge me and help me get some of my stories on paper. I was searching for myself…looking for the girl I once was…and hoping that in the process, my inner light would start to shine again.
As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, I began to find that inner self. With every day that I dedicated more time to myself, to reading, to writing, to taking pictures, to just having a bottle of wine with my girlfriends, I felt my light start to shine a little brighter.
I was alone and I was content and I knew I was going to be ok. I knew that my happiness wasn’t dependant on any man, but on myself. I knew that if I couldn’t love myself and let myself be loved exactly the way I am…it was never going to work.
Somehow, women have been socialized to believe that in order to find a mate, we must quiet down. We should learn how to cook and love to clean. We should want a career and never…never talk about wanting babies. We’re told that no man will like a woman with opinions that are too loud…and that being the cute girl perched on the end of the bar silently sipping her cosmo while some guy admires her cleavage, is more important than speaking up and being heard.
What we SHOULD be told instead, is that the only voice we need to hear is our own, really. And we should be exactly who we are… when our inner light shines bright enough, he will find us. And we’ll be in a place where we’ll want to be found.
…
Shara Grifenhagen made aliyah with Nefesh b’Nefesh in July, 2005. She grew up in North Carolina and earned her undergraduate degree in journalism and mass communication from the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. Since moving to Israel, she has earned an International MBA at Bar Ilan University and now makes creative marketing videos for companies around the world.
Photo by Magda Sobkowiak, licensed under Creative Commons.
He Said/She Said
By Emily Kapit and Jon Kapit
The High Holy Days are behind us, as are copious amounts of apples and honey, autumn’s run-ins with gefilte fish and, most importantly, atoning for one’s sins while trying not to think about food of any kind. In past years, I felt that the gnawing hunger in my stomach was enough of a reminder about the previous year’s sins that I opted out of further self-scrutiny, choosing instead to focus on a distracting book or movie to get me to my bagel-and-schmear-a-thon.
This year, however, I found myself thinking quite a bit about the fact that, two years into married life, it’s not just about me anymore. It dawned on me that the “Who have I wronged?” sins are often aimed at the one I love most, resulting in failings that can cause marital strife.
While the High Holy Days will always include the component of looking inward, it seems blatantly apparent that once you start thinking about seriously committing to another person, curbing sins often means learning the art of compromise. With that in mind, I bring you a running dialogue between myself and co-conspirator in life/husband, Jon Kapit, as we present our own take on the art of marital compromise. While we are far from perfecting the spousal give-and-take necessary for maintaining a happy home, our hope is that by compromising on our preferences, needs, and desires, we will cut down on hurting each other in the following years:
Temperature in the Apartment
He said: Finally! Some decent fall temperatures! I’m still putting the air on in here.
She said: Are you crazy?!? I’m freezing! How are you wearing shorts?
He said: You do realize that it’s 65 degrees outside? Oh, right—anything below 75 and you’re donning snow gear. You know, if you’re cold, you can always add more clothing. Once the temperature gets above 80, you can only take off so much in public.
She said: I think I should invest in a Snuggie.
He said: Until then, I’ll wait until you’re in bed before turning the air down to 60 degrees.
What to Watch on TV
He said: Oh great—The Dark Knight is on again tonight! [or insert any “guy’s movie” that is shown on a continuous loop]
She said: It’s on the same HBO channel every night and I’m behind on Gossip Girl.
He said: [While flipping through the on-screen guide] Look, there’s an episode of The Office on that we’ve not yet seen—want to watch that and then I’ll go watch my movie in the other room while you watch Gossip Girl?
She said: Done and done.
What to Watch (part two)
He said: It’s a Rocky marathon!
She said: If you need me, I’ll be out running errands and otherwise avoiding this apartment for the next several hours.
He said: But they’re including the sixth movie too!
She said: I’ll see you tomorrow.
Food
She said: I think I am going to become a vegetarian or perhaps a pescatarian, since I’d prefer fish for my protein over tofu, but don’t want meat at all.
He said: That’s fine so long as you don’t become a vegan. I don’t know where the heck we’ll eat…ever. And I am still eating red meat—can I have your meat portion at parties now too?
Taking Out the Dog
He said: I’ll take her out twice today if you take her out twice tomorrow.
She said: But it’s going to be COLD tomorrow [see above section regarding temperature].
He said: You have a closet full of coats—pick one.
The dog said: My coat is on and ready to go—can we just GO? I’m the one who has to go out three times a day, regardless of who takes me and how much you “discuss” the schedule.
Being on Time
He said: Just remember that you have to be ready to go in five hours. If you insist on waiting until the last possible minute to start getting ready, you’re paying for the cab.
She said: I have five hours to get ready? Why are you bringing this up now? Of course I’ll be ready!
[Four hours and fifty-five minutes later]
She said: Um, will you please go ahead and hail the cab? I don’t want to wait in the cold when we’re already running late.
Author’s note: Now that we live in Atlanta and not Manhattan, this compromise has evolved into telling friends/family/hosts which person caused us to be late.
Writing this Article
She said: I am putting a reminder in your calendar that this article is due on Monday afternoon so we need to finish it on Sunday.
He said: The Giants are playing on Sunday night so I’ll just read it when you’re done.*
*Author’s note: Jon very recently added strategic multi-tasking to his list of attributes on which he’s working to improve. He truly added quite a bit to this piece though, during the game’s commercial breaks.
Clearly, our dialogue is quite tongue-in-cheek but the compromises detailed above are still more than relevant: the success of a serious relationship is often contingent on both individuals’ negotiation skills as well as the ability to work with the other’s preferences and quirks. The sins of which I spoke at the beginning of this article pertain to those that may not necessarily cause physical injury to another person; rather, they are the kind of minor transgressions that can snowball into major issues. If the High Holy Days—and the whole year, really—are about doing what’s right to ensure being written into the proverbial Book of Life, then it is important to remember that even small compromises can lead back to fulfilling the obligation of treating loved ones with respect.
She said: Regarding compromises, it’s hard but always satisfactory in the end.
He said: That’s what she said.
Emily Kapit is a career coach and blogger, concentrating on young professionals searching for a meaningful career. You can learn more at her website ReFresh Your Step.
Jon Kapit works at TriMont Real Estate Advisors in Atlanta where he oversees investments in hotels and other property sites. Additionally, he loves every mafia, Sylvester Stallone, and Will Ferrell movie ever made.
Photo by Genista, licensed under Creative Commons.
22: Couples
This week we introduce Issue #22: Couples
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No question about it, dating and marriage are hot button issues for the Jewish people. Between conversations about where the community stands on homosexual couples, to debates about where it stands on interfaith couples, there is an awful lot of chatter. Not to mention that hemming and hawing coming from your mother, insisting that you marry a nice Jewish boy or girl and settle down to give her some grandchildren. Not to also mention the ominous and ever-present JDate angel and devil sitting on your shoulders. To join or not to join? That is the question.
The questions are endless, and where are the role models sent to tell us what to do? Of all the high-profile Jews in Hollywood – Sarah Silverman, Adam Sandler, Natalie Portman, to name a few – none of them have high profile relationships that we can scrutinize and compare to our own. In fact, this year’s highest-profile Jewish relationship belongs to not-so-Jewish Chelsea Clinton (now Mezvinsky).
When the Love and Sex Issues of Alef came out last February, we had no idea what a ruckus they would cause. Now, after eight more months of reflection, we bring you the Couples Issue, jam-packed with tales of Jewish relationships and how they got to be the way they are. Our writers might not be celebrities of Hollywood, but you should feel free to scrutinize the relationships they share with you anyway and as always, we’d love to hear what you have to say.
- Alef
Photo by Lachlan Hardy, licensed under Creative Commons.
Couples Posts:
Type A Dating
What Comes First?
He Said/She Said
Soy Vey
Big Q’s, small r’s
Deconstructing Amy
This Little Light of Mine
Matchmaker of Jewish New York
By Monica Rozenfeld
This interview originally appeared on The Jew Spot.
While working at a staffing agency, Shoshanna Rikon found herself talking to job seekers about their love lives more than their job skills. Running with that (and away from staffing), Shoshanna started her own matchmaking biz at the age of 24.
Now Shoshanna lives for getting people hitched. Featured on Dr. Phil and all over mainstream press, Shoshanna is notably tagged as New York City’s #1 Jewish Matchmaker. How did she get that title? The Jew Spot finds out here.
…
How does one, i.e. you, get a career in Jewish matchmaking? Why Jewish?
I started doing Jewish matchmaking 10 years ago. But I’d say I started matching up friends and sorority sisters in college and knew that I had a talent. I not only enjoyed setting my friends up but I also saw that they came to me for advice and council as they were dating.
I started my matchmaking business 10 years ago. My father taught me to specialize in business. When I decided to specialize in Jewish matchmaking, not only did it feel right, but it was comfortable. I knew I could relate to my clients and I would be one of the few services that would specialize in Jewish Matchmaking. I am known as New York City’s Number One Jewish Matchmaker.
You are featured on the film “Matchmakers” which spotlights the history of the matchmaking biz. Can you give us a little history of Jewish matchmaking (since it clearly runs through Jewish veins)?
We (Jews) started the business. Jewish woman have been matchmaking for over 5000 years. In the schettels, the villages, Jewish women would do this as a mitzvah. It’s something you want to do because you care about people and you want to keep the Jewish population growing. It’s key in our religion and culture.
So I want to know what happens after someone makes that initial call, looking for a date.
I sit down with each person for a consultation. The consultation could be from an hour and a half to three hours. Very informal, fun approach. A lot of it is like a therapy session. The goal is to get in there and find out what brought them to the office to begin with. And to see if I can help them. It has to be a mutual decision.
We don’t work with everyone.
What has been the success rate?
I have 109 couples married. Sixty-70 couples exclusive – dating, but not married – which annoys us but we’ll get over it.
Can you tell us about one couple that stands out in the 10 years you’ve been matchmaking?
I remember this guy came into my office and was a little bit crazy. He literally paid cash. And I claimed it, of course.
He met a girl through the service. He didn’t like her. Met the second girl and married her. And the reason why is because he was able to be a kid. He was able to forget about his work, and goof around with her and have a good time. He brought her to Toys ‘R Us in Times Square and he brought her to the Ferris Wheel. He’s like ‘That’s what did it for me, Shoshanna. I was able to be myself and forget about my problems. Forget about work for one day.’
That’s what a relationship should be. They should add pleasure, and lightness, and warm fuzzy feeling.
If I think about all the stories, and all the couples that got married, the women were very positive and happy, and laughed a lot. They had fun with the process. They tried to leave their bag at the door.
People want to be around people who are positive and happy.
Do you ever overlook what people put down as their “ideal” match on their profiles because you feel despite what they wrote on paper, they would actually be a great match?
If someone has given I an impossible, unrealistic idea of the perfect soul mate, we can’t work with them.
In order to work with me, you need to trust my judgement, to know that I have your best interest. And to just go with what I think is right for you.
Most of the time I can work with your criteria. Other times it’s really impossible and we’ll be honest with that person.
Let’s be honest. Has there ever been a time you’ve set someone up, and thought, ‘Why did I do that? It was the worst set up in history’.
Well, I can’t say it’s because of my work, Monica. (Cute.)
I think it’s because of the date itself, which we can’t predict. We can’t predict chemistry. We can predict compatibility, and that’s really it. If someone says something odd, or a little off the hook, it will just go down hill.
There was a really cute couple, but he was cheap. I’ll come right out and say it. He wouldn’t even buy her a drink. I was like alright, you’re done.
Not every date is smooth sailing. It’s a numbers game. The more you put yourself out there, the more you’ll win. I don’t want to hear someone has one date every two weeks.
Aside from not sleeping with the date the first night, what other advice you got for us?
Have an open mind. If you have such a huge list, it will never happen. Let more people in. Have fun. Don’t be afraid to show interest on a first date.
Looking at your date in the eyes is very sexy and alluring and shows that you’re interested in the person. Laugh at his jokes; even the bad ones. Maybe you like him, but he doesn’t have the best sense of humor. So what? He’ll get funny. Or maybe he won’t. But be engaged in conversation.
Let’s talk about this stigma of going to a matchmaker. What would you say to someone (like me) who is waiting to trip over prince charming?
A lot of people think there’s a stigma. ‘I must be desperate to use a matchmaker.’ That’s not the case. It’s discreet. It’s private. It’s personal. It’s a personalized approach. You work with a friend. I guarantee people who fit their described criteria dates.
So the saying goes, shoemaker’s children don’t always have shoes (or something like that). Does the matchmaker always have a match? Does matchmaking interfere with your own love life?
Sometimes. When you go on dates and you hear weird things, you’re like what? Come again? This is what I lecture on.
I have this strong intuition, able to deal with different personalities and people by feeling them out. I can read facial expressions, which I think is a gift. I can read people’s body language. I can sense disappointment in someone’s face. I can also sense joy.
Do you tell your dates this? It can be awfully intimidating.
Sure I have. Why did you waste my time? It’s Saturday night.
Has there ever been a male client you were interested in yourself?
Of course. I’m human.
I’ve never asked them out. Never went on a date with them. But I’ve been like WOW! WHOA! But that just means if I’m hot for this guy, my clients will be too.
And with that, we close up this interview. Shoshanna is a riot. Even if you don’t need a date, you should sign up for a consult just to meet her. More info at www.shoshannasmatches.com.
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Photo by mrhayata, licensed under Creative Commons.
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