Alef: The NEXT Conversation

Reverse Celebrity Crush

by Ari Averbach

Most of us have a celebrity crush. She’s that one person you have been pining for since the day you saw her.

When I was younger, my celebrity crush was Anna Chlumsky, star of the saddest movie ever, My Girl. She was perfect.  I never expected to actually meet her, but I planned what I would say if I ever did. Sadly for both me and Anna, her career never really launched. I moved on to actresses like Larisa Oleynik from The Secret World of Alex Mack, and even Natalie Portman, but there was always that pang of love for my dear, sweet Anna.

When I was in college, I saw that Anna was starring in a production of Measure for Measure in a church basement in Queens. (Oy!) I took my girlfriend, warning her that I might leave her for Anna after the show. My girlfriend was fine with, even excited by, this prospect. As you might imagine, the church basement in Queens was not very big. Our seats were close enough to touch the actors at any point in the play. So, in the last scene, when beautiful, lovely Anna was in character, sobbing about something or other (I didn’t bother to pay attention to the plot because I was too darn excited!), I was able to notice that she was really crying. Like REALLY crying. Like her nose was running. And not just a little, but a whole lot. My girlfriend described it stupendously as a “rope of snot” just to help paint that picture. In character, Anna tried sucking it back in. To no avail. She then wiped it on her arm. And face. I kid you not. Boom. Crush over. I couldn’t even approach her after the show to tell her how great she was, that her performance was so real, and that I had been madly in love with her for years.

Here in Los Angeles, there are so many famous people that they develop the same sort of crush on us plebeians. This is called the Reverse Celebrity Crush.  As fate would have it, while I was hoping for Larisa to notice me at Runyon Canyon or for Natalie to gaze longingly my way while tanning on the beach in December, I got Richard Simmons. I don’t want to complain, I mean how many Reverse Celebrity Crushes do you have? But he was not my first choice. For many reasons.

It happened when I went to his class to work out. There we were, dozens of women in spandex looking for a real work out, and me. As we were stretching before class, Richard threw open the doors, screamed, and proceeded to hug and kiss each person. When he got to me, he gave me a look, and winked, as if my presence alone had melted his heart. Throughout the 90 minute workout, which was really strenuous by the way, Richard continued to shoot looks in my direction.

“He’s joking!” I kept telling myself. “Maybe he does this with all the boys!” I felt like a 12 year old girl. “Why would he like me? What makes me special? He could like anyone, but he chose me!”

At the end, drenched in sweat from his afro to his dolphin shorts, he approached. Turning to a female friend who came with me, he asked, “Is this your boyfriend?”

“…No.”

“Good, cuz he’s mine!”

I contemplated forcing a rope of snot to come out of my nose so that this Reverse Celebrity Crush could be over. But instead, I let him swoon.

Photo by zaui, licensed under Creative Commons.

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