Alef: The NEXT Conversation

Transgender and Jewish

By Taan Shapiro

What does it mean to be Jewish and queer?
Jewish and transgender?
For some,
Judaism is a place of rejection, heartache and pain
How do I reconcile myself as a Jew when I’m an abomination in the Torah?
For some,
Judaism is a place of comfort, community and home
Others feel
The queer community rejects them
You can’t be religious if queer
That’s not how it works
Others feel
The queer community embraces them as Jews
So, then
How did I come to a place of peace within?
The journey began as a child
Raised as a secular, Passover and Hannukah Jew
Judaism meant Seder, tradition, menorah, candles, matzo, presents, family and community
Although, Brother chose to have a bar mitzvah
I did not.
In high school
My best friend dragged me into a conservative Jewish youth group
It was there
Through my peers
That I learned rituals and practices
About Shabbat, eating and just being Jewish
I carried this identity with me.
As I left high school
The dawning of my queer identity began
At the time, I saw being Jewish and queer as separate
In college in Michigan
I attended weekly Shabbat services
Feeling queer in a Jewish space
Then transferred schools
And still at Friday night Shabbat services
An active member of Hillel
I attended a retreat
‘Combating Anti-Semitism’
I came out as queer
Experiencing much homophobia
In a space meant for safety
There was hate
Reading Michigan’s LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) magazine: ‘Between the Lines’
Was an article written about Lillian Faderman’s memoir, Naked in the Promised Land
With an excerpt about her Jewish queer identity
Quickly buying the book
And devouring it
Her memoir was poignant and honest
I fell in love with her writing, story and message
I had to meet her
After writing for and being accepted to receive a grant
Lillian came to speak
It was in these few days
We talked over meals
Me and her
I realized and solidified
I can be a whole person
Jewish and queer
And now I am coming into an even more complete identity

A year ago
On Memorial Day
I went with my friend and her six-year-old son to the beach
Son could not call me by my longtime childhood nickname
Like everyone else in my life
Perhaps he didn’t remember
I think, like others later told me
My nickname no longer fit me
It was in these moments
In this day that I realized,
I can change my name
I can be freer in an androgynous name
And why did this matter?
As a person, emerging into an identity
Other than female
I wanted a name that represented me
After that Memorial Day, I left those thoughts until the summertime
As I came back to these questions
Who am I?
What is my gender?
The conversation about my name resurfaced
I needed to figure out who is this person
If not female
That which I’ve been my whole life
And not feeling totally comfortable.
Landing in one female-to-male or female –to-other transgender community after another
No mater where I lived
Finding peace, love and kindness
A community where I felt I could be me
As I looked at this pattern
As I looked into myself
As I had many gender conversations
Answering questions to myself and others
Out of this introspection and exchange
I grew more solid and desired to be me
And what did this mean?
It meant presenting physically as a more androgynous person
It meant wearing gender neutral clothes
It meant binding my chest
It meant shopping in the men’s and boy’s department
It meant cutting my hair short
It meant changing my name
And then why did I change my appearance?
Me on the inside flows to the outside
I dress as I have felt for a long time
And now I can express this
So, to be true to me and my core
I dress as I do
And
I changed my name
With help, and many Internet searches
Finding an Australian baby name site
Was Taan
In Hebrew meaning
‘The answer,’ usually the answer to the parents
But I choose my name,
Who is it I answer to?
And what am I answering?
And then there’s pronouns
Growing and changing since the summer
Awareness that female no longer is me
And so I tried male pronouns
Although
That is not me either
No pronouns please, just my name
So, is it clean?
Is it easy to say?
I’m a person who identifies as both genders
In the middle
Male and female and all in-between
Expressing myself in ways that externally confuse those around me
If I have to define myself
I’m a genderqueer person
Who likes to be referred to without pronouns
And, I came to feel a part of community
My Jewish, queer community
When Lillian Faderman shared an entrance and unconditional acceptance
And, I’m a person still on a journey
Of self discovery
I don’t want to be boxed in
I don’t want to be labeled
I just want to ebb and flow through this universe.

Photo by Brett L., licensed under Creative Commons.

Read more posts from the Gay Pride issue.

Tags: gay, Poem, Poetry, Queer, transgender

Posted by Sarah, Friday, June 4th, 2010, 1:31 pm, Gay Pride.