Alef: The NEXT Conversation

Orthodox and Gay: Now What?

By Jayson Littman

Over the past 10 years, more and more Orthodox Jews have come out of the closet and identified as gay. The press has heavily covered the trend, and as I write this, I wonder what’s left to write about someone like me who was raised as an Orthodox Jew and is now living an openly gay life. Ever since the 2001 release of Trembling Before G-d, a documentary about gay and lesbian Orthodox Jews trying to reconcile their sexuality and their faith, I’ve looked back at my own journey and those of my friends who have shared similar experiences. We’ve all taken unique paths.

While some modern Orthodox Jewish communities have come to accept homosexuality, more stringent Orthodox communities are struggling to find ways to accept their newly out gay members. This forces many gay Orthodox Jews to choose between their religious and sexual identities. Most choose to assimilate into the welcoming gay community, but at the expense of leaving their Jewish identity behind.

The phenomenon of out gay frum-from-births (gFFBs) is still rather new, and many of us are still trying to find where we fit into the Jewish community at large. We wish to remain committed to the Jewish community and its future, yet, with a community still so small and only a few shuls that unconditionally and openly accept us, we are obligated to find other welcoming environments – perhaps at the cost of our identity as frum Jews.

The Jewish people have become more diverse with the increase of open gFFBs in the community. Whether or not we are accepted amongst family and friends, many gFFBs are staying faithful to their Jewish practice. The Orthodox community now needs to practice the idea of inclusion. Out gFFBs need to feel included within the community in order for us to stay within the confines of our upbringing.

Many Jewish organizations are committed to preventing the assimilation of the Jewish people, yet it’s almost ironic that many gay Jews actually want to marry within their own religion, but finding a suitable same-sex Jewish mate is often difficult (finding someone committed to Judaism is even more difficult).

Most of the gFFBs in my circle of friends who don’t practice Judaism the way we were raised do so more out of practicality rather than rebelliousness. We tend to spend Shabbats and holidays together in our kosher homes, but travel to each other in our small, but spread out community across Manhattan. While many straight Orthodox Jews will flock to the Upper West Side of Manhattan to be around other modern Orthodox Jews, gFFBs will migrate towards the gay areas of Manhattan such as Chelsea and Hell’s Kitchen and ensure their homes remain kosher in these non-Orthodox areas of the city.

Another never-has-this-happened-before moment occurred when my straight Orthodox friends started setting me up with the other “gay Jewish guys” they know. I particularly enjoy when I respond by saying “Oh, I already know him,” because it reminds me of the very same reasoning I would use when I was still in the closet and was set up with girls I already knew.

Every month, there is a meeting at the JCC on the Upper West Side for frum or formerly frum gay young people aged 18-30. It’s an amazing sight to see frum Jews from backgrounds including: chabad, yeshivishe, modern orthodox, black hat, and Jewish day schoolers, all in the same room – and agreeing on issues! I can’t imagine Jews from these varied demographics ever getting together in a heterosexual setting.

So as this new decade begins and gFFBs start to join the Jewish community at large, it’s important for us all to know that we are no longer Trembling and we are no longer in the closet. We are confident in both our Jewish and sexual identities and will remain committed to the Jewish people and community. We don’t feel a need to continuously argue over biblical and halachic verses, because no matter what the outcome of those debates are, we will still remain both Jewish and gay. So now what?

Jayson Littman is the founder of He’bro, an organization that creates events for gay Jews in New York City. For more information, please go to www.hebro.org or contact Jayson at Jayson@hebro.org.

Read more posts from the Gay Pride issue.

Photo by intrepidblue, licensed under Creative Commons.

Tags: coming out, GLBT, jewish, Orthodox Judaism

Posted by Sarah, Tuesday, June 15th, 2010, 5:08 pm, Gay Pride.