Alef: The NEXT Conversation

Chanukah in June

By Jay Michaelson

Alef editor’s note: An earlier version of this article appeared in The Forward on December 10, 2008.

Chanukah in June makes about as much sense as Christmas in July. But the Festival of Lights does have something in common with Pride Month: coming out. Yes, Chanukah is a “coming out” holiday, in both its origins and its contemporary forms.

First, the Chanukah story is, in large part, a story of coming out — not in terms of sexuality, of course, but more generally, it’s about being open and honest about oneself and one’s values, and demanding that difference be accommodated. The circumstances that led to the Maccabean revolt were not so much single acts of oppression as they were a slow, insidious process of erasure. Some of that process was imposed by the Syrian-Greek occupiers of Palestine, but some, let’s remember, was embraced by Hellenizing Jews. As a means of assimilation, Jews semi-voluntarily took on Greek names and Greek customs, and began regarding Jewish worship as one option among many.

The Maccabees – in a part of the Chanukah story they don’t teach you in Sunday school – rebelled against this assimilation, even forcibly circumcising baby boys against the wishes of the children’s parents. Hardly a model of religious tolerance, but definitely a form of coming out. They didn’t demand equal treatment of Hellenizers and non-Hellenizers; they demanded that Jews be acknowledged as different.

Today, Chanukah plays an oddly similar role. Every December, we are inundated with images of Christmas: endless sleighs and trees and Santas and the rest. Everyone’s meant to get into the spirit of the “holidays.” Which is why, as Kyle Broslovsky of Comedy Central’s animated series “South Park” put it, it’s hard to be a Jew on Christmas. This is why celebrating Chanukah is like coming out: it’s about admitting difference, recognizing that one is not the same as everyone else and, hopefully, celebrating the unique gifts that being different offers.

Sometimes people ask why we need Gay Pride Month, and Pride parades. Well, the answer is simple: because coming out is not easy. Here, my own story may be instructive. I sort of knew I was gay at 18, definitely knew at 23, but didn’t come out until, at age 30, a wonderful woman I had been dating finally dumped me (good for her!) and I realized I couldn’t “make it work” as a bisexual. What took me so long? I’m an intelligent, reasonably sensitive, and courageous guy. Why did I spend 10 years hating myself, repressing my deepest desires, and failing to embrace the gifts of emotional and sexual fulfillment?

Because “coming out,” which sounds so simple, is really very hard. I’m not saying I had the courage of the Maccabees, or the drag-queen heroes at Stonewall whose rebellion Pride Month commemorates. But when I look back on my own coming out process, I’m amazed I did it at all. In the hope that my story can inspire you to come out in whatever way can help you lead your life – sexually, religiously, emotionally, whatever – I want to share a few of the specific reasons coming out was so hard, and yet so worthwhile in retrospect.

First, I didn’t know what I was missing. I had no idea how dead I was inside, how emotionally cut off I was from other people or what love was really about. My friends will tell you: I was a different person entirely — more sarcastic, more insular, less open, less honest. Try it yourself: Lie to everybody you know about what’s most important to you, and see what happens. And if you’ve been doing it yourself, please take the leap of faith. It’s way, way better on this side of the chasm. Trust me.

Oh, and by the way, “Hate the sin, love the sinner” doesn’t work. Sexual identity, like religious identity, isn’t some part-time hobby. If you hate the sin, you’re going to end up hating yourself.

Second, and relatedly, I thought that coming out would destroy everything I valued. I thought it would end my Jewish religious life, end my chances at normalcy, and alienate me from family and friends. I was wrong on all counts. My spiritual and religious life blossomed once I stopped hating God for making me gay. I was able to start thinking about having a real life, a family, and a career only after I stopped having fake ones. And my being honest about myself has enabled me to forge friendships that are deeper than I had ever imagined back in the closet. (“Closet” is probably too cozy a word; “tomb” is better.)

I have also watched my family members evolve in their own views and come not only to accept my sexuality but also to embrace it — a tall order, to be sure, especially as they themselves still encounter homophobia from their friends. But what mother doesn’t want her son to be happy? Eventually, we learn that love, happiness, justice, and holiness are all that matter — and if homosexuality, heterosexuality, or bisexuality leads to those things, baruch hashem.

Finally, I think it took me so long to come out because I lacked the kind of community and values that would have given me the courage I needed to do so. All my friends and family members were straight, and the gay world I saw on TV looked superficial, hypersexual, and weird. It was only once I came out that I realized sexuality is about more than having sex, and that being queer, like being Jewish, is a blessing. In an ideal world, we all grow up with religious and personal role models. But because few GLBT people grow up in gay families, coming out can be lonely, terrifying, and embarrassing.

Yet it is also the Jewish thing to do. It may be hard to be a Jew on Christmas, but it’s by daring to do so that we’ve survived the past 3,000 years and created a culture and religion worth preserving. Well before the Maccabees, the very first Jew, Abraham, was told by God to come out: to get out of his father’s house, follow his own spiritual path and cross over to the other side of the river. From this act, our nation and language get the name Ivri — “Hebrew” — the one who crosses over. And from Abraham’s repeated answers to God’s queries we get the consummate statement of self-exposure: Hineni, Here I am.

The lessons of coming out are Jewish lessons. Just like repressed gay people, repressed Jews don’t know how damaging it is to closet our religious and cultural selves; how invigorating it is to be open, honest, and celebratory about who we are; or how empowering it is to be part of a community of boundary-crossers. So, my advice for celebrating Chanukah in June? Stop repressing and stop equivocating. Whatever closet you’re hiding in, whether it’s sexual, religious, professional, cultural, or just plain dull and repressive — come out, please, wherever you are.

Jay Michaelson is executive director of Nehirim: GLBT Jewish Culture & Spirituality.

Photo by Brymo, licensed under Creative Commons.

Read more posts from the Gay Pride issue.

Tags: Chanukah, coming out, GLBT, Hanukkah, jewish

Posted by Sarah, Thursday, June 24th, 2010, 9:52 am, Gay Pride.