Alef: The NEXT Conversation
Black Jew Syndrome
Originally published to Alef on 7/9/2010
By Ariel Joseph, Esq.
Being an American of mixed-heritage, I have always found dating Jewish women to be a somewhat…complicated endeavor. Sure, my mother was of Jewish heritage, as was her mother, but neither of them married Jewish men. Consequently, in addition to being Jewish, I am Irish, Czech, German, African, Indian, and Carib. Although most people can tell that I’m multi-racial, I am most often categorized as “Black,” at least until people learn that I am part Jewish, at which point I become a “Black Jew.”
I have learned that I am a culturally confusing package for most women, but for Jewish women in particular I seem to create a disruption in their schemas that make our relationships short lived. After much personal analysis and discussion with friends, family, and mentors, including Jewish community leaders, I have come to the conclusion that this is due to a cultural condition that I call “Black Jew Syndrome” (or BJS).
BJS can be broken down into three distinct stages: (1) The Infatuation, (2) the Internal Conflict, and (3) the Reconciliation. Before I investigate BJS in more detail, it is worth noting that I have always been attracted to members of the tribe; indeed, one out of every three women I have dated has been Jewish, so I have significant experience with this issue.
Stage One: Infatuation:
The Infatuation stage is marked by a strong interest/attraction, not unlike that shared by most new couples. What makes it distinct from other new relationships is the fetishization of the Black Jew for his “otherness.” Whereas in “regular” intra-racial relationships both partners engage in physical intimacy for the purposes of attraction, fun, and potential procreation, if an interracial element is added, sex changes.
I have dated women from many races and cultures, and the majority of time I would categorize sex with them as being “normal.” With Jewish women, however, the tone I hear in the bedroom changes. The fact that I’m Black seems to overwhelm other aspects of who I am and I have often times felt objectified. This isn’t always a bad thing, yet the Infatuation stage, unfortunately, almost always leads to stage two.
Stage Two: Internal Conflict:
After the initial obsession begins to wear off, the reality that she’s dating a “Black guy” begins to affect the average Jewish woman’s perception of the relationship. While she will usually continue to date her darker skinned companion at this stage in the relationship, dates in public begin to dwindle in number and any talk of meeting the family is usually put off.
I have witnessed this occur multiple times in my life. In fact, I once confronted a girlfriend with my concerns about the Internal Conflict when she began showing symptoms of it, and was surprised by the earnestness of her response.
“I can date you,” she said. “I just don’t think I can be in a serious relationship with you.”
“Why not?” I asked. “I mean, don’t you like me? Aren’t you happy being with me?”
“Of course I’m happy with you,” she replied. “I’m thinking about marriage, though, and I know my family wouldn’t be happy if I married a Black guy”.
“But my mom’s Jewish…” I told her. “Doesn’t that count for something?”
“Maybe with my parents, but my grandmother would keel over if she knew we were together. She wants 100% pure-blood Jewish great-grandchildren, and I’m sure my parents want 100% Jewish grandchildren themselves”.
The fact that I was both Jewish and Black created a genuine conflict in her. She enjoyed dating, sex, our conversations, and was happy with me as a person. Yet BJS took over and began causing her inner turmoil. She liked me, yet my race made it difficult for her to truly see me as a long-term prospect. I was fun to be with, but she had problems seeing me as boyfriend material.
Stage Three: Reconciliation:
The final stage of BJS manifests itself through an acknowledgement on the Jewish woman’s part that she needs to move on and find a guy that she can feel comfortable taking home to her parents and grandparents. If you are a Jewish woman or have dated Jewish women, you know exactly how intrusive Jewish parents and grandparents can be about who their descendants are involved with. Admittedly, Jewish people have a (somewhat) legitimate desire to see their offspring continue the Jewish bloodline. However, in my experience, it is their desire for Jewish offspring that is the primary cause of BJS. Jewish women I’ve dated usually arrive at an understanding, or Reconciliation, regarding their feelings toward me as a Black Jew based, in large part, upon what their parents or grandparents desire. Unfortunately, due to fear of disappointing their parents, this Reconciliation almost always ends with our relationship ending.
The Reconciliation stage does not seem to be an easy place to be for the Jewish women I’ve dated, and I don’t hold a grudge against them for choosing their families over a guy they’ve known for two or three months. That said, it is frustrating and demoralizing to be devalued due to the color of your skin. Perhaps when the “Greatest Generation” is gone and the “Boomers” become the oldest people in America, we will begin to see more tolerance from more Jewish matriarchs and patriarchs. For now, I just hope to find a woman who doesn’t give a fuck about the melanin in my skin, even if her family does.
Photo by Charles Williams, licensed under Creative Commons.
Read more posts from issue #16: Diverse Jews
Tags: Black, dating, jewish, tolerance
24 Responses to “Black Jew Syndrome”
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This article was definitely hard to read, but I completely understand your sentiments. I’m a Jew by choice and have always been thankful that I could pass as “looking Jewish.”. Thank you for voicing something I have always felt. I assure you that you are not alone in feeling this way!
Thanks for sharing your experience. It made me wiser. I’m raising two Jewish kids (one Hispanic and one African) and I am very aware that they will run into some severe difficulties reconciling these two parts of their identities – religion and race.
I am a Jew-by-Choice of mixed heritage (African-American & European). Prior to choosing Judaism, I dated a few Jewish women and each time had the exact same experience as described here. One woman, whom I loved very much and dated for 4 years, broke things off and within a year married the son of a “friend of the family” – then 6 months later attempted to have an affair with me. No dice.
Later, I married an African-American woman and, looking for a faith/way of living that matched our beliefs and needs, we found Judaism. We have a beautiful African-American child who has only known the Jewish life we brought her into.
Until reading this article I hadn’t recalled my experiences as they occured almost two decades ago and, as I brought my beshert into the tent with me, there wasn’t an issue. Now, I wonder what my little Batia will think of our faith if she runs up against “strict endogamy” when she becomes of marriageable age. Suddenly I recall the words of my college roommate David’s grandpa “shikseh’s are for shtoomping, Jewish girls are for marriage.”
That is so unfortunate. I’m very sorry you had to deal with those issues. My intern actually told me that she had a situation quite similar. She went out with a man who was a dark latino and her parents had a big problem with it. Her boyfriend ended up breaking up with her because he thought that he would lose her in the end.
It’s true that she experienced feelings of infatuation and the internal conflict, but ultimately she just wanted him. He was afraid of getting hurt because that situation had happened to him so many times before.
My advice to you is, don’t give up. Interracial Dating can be fun and anyone can do it.
I recently launched a blog, Racy JC, that approaches interracial dating in a new, honest, real, and non-PC way. Please check it out!
http://jcdaviesauthor.com/
social media: jcdaviesauthor
Oh, this pains me! So well-written, yet so frustrating. Who are these jappy women & why are they so intolerant?! I suppose I’m blessed to have come from a family – mostly Jewish, all white – that doesn’t give a damn about skin color. In fact, growing up in a city where nearly everyone was white & no one but me was Jewish, my first boyfriend was the city’s only black guy. Maybe we felt like we needed to stick together?
My mom has long said that she doesn’t care who I date. I can bring home a black man, a Catholic man, a woman – as long as I never, ever bring home a Republican.
That seems like a much more acceptable prejudice to me…
This is even worse for a Black jewish woman because women are constantly on the lookout for men who will date them sleep with them, sometimes for years all the while never intending for a minute to marry the woman. The objectification you speak of at stage 1 would already be a dealbreaker, especially as a Black (Jewish) woman dating a white (Jewish) man.
It is becoming an increasingly rational solution to this dilemma to date and marry a non-Jew, especially as one starts to approach 40 and is single and childless with no prospects on the horizon. I REALLY, don’t want to do this, however, as I honestly like Jewish men and don’t want to date the kind of guy who hates Judaism, hates Jewish women and wants nothing more than to run away from all things Jewish by “intermarrying” (these are the types it seems are most willing to seriously date a Black woman). It would be better to find a non-Jew who at least respects Judaism.
Thank you all for your comments and support.
Being discriminated against in relationships due to minority (i.e., having a phenotypic distinction) status is a difficult thing to deal with. It’s also, sadly, something that American culture, American-Jewish culture included, has been slow to combat.
While the majority of discussions about racism and prejudice in America center around the public sphere, it is my belief that it is only in the private sphere that true acceptance of others can occur. Minorities are routinely discriminated against by other races, and sometimes by their own races, in romantic and sexual contexts. It is a sad fact that not enough people have acknowledged or addressed. In fact, OKTrends.com has conducted a study that illustrates just how prejudiced people are when searching for partners online. The results weren’t pretty.
White people, which I’m assuming, for the purposes of their study, includes most Ashkenazi Jews, are terribly racist when deciding who they will date. Indeed, 45% of white people – 54% of white women – stated that they have a strong preference for dating people of their own race. To put this in perspective, the numbers for other races generally hovered around 15-25%.
The full article can be found here: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/10/05/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/
So – what can we do about it? For me, I intend to continue communicating my experiences, understandings, and beliefs to others in the hope that they will break the cycle of discrimination in the private sphere. It’s really all I can do…
I look forward to the day when any person, regardless of race, can allow him/herself to be attracted to, date, and marry the person of his/her choice without hesitation or trepidation…
Best,
- Ariel
The proclivity for excluding tribal others varies from place to place. Here in Boston, when I was still wasting my time with Yahoo and Match dating, I found that something close to 90% of the Jewish women of no color specified that they were willing to go out with men of most religions, but only if they were White.
Some adventurous ones added mixies to their list. (A few particularly clueless ones made an exception for me, without bothering to change their profile beforehand, so that I might actually considering replying.)
The New York searchers — on paper at least — stated preferences that better aligned with what I’d expect from a thoroughly mixed, cosmopolitan people. My impression was that fewer than 50% of them clicked the white-boys-only button. There are more pigment-averse MOTs (Members of the Tribe) down there in the Tapuach Gadol than one would like. It’s a much better place, however, to find a mate, if that’s where you can do your looking.
@suburban sweetheart: Does your mom know my mom? I think they’re kindred spirits.
@everyone else: I’m a 43-year-old biracial (black/white) Jew, and have totally written off marriage. I’m too black for Ashkenazi Jews and too Jewish for black Christians. Nobody wants me so I just gave up and adopted. Hoping by the time my African-American children grow up, they’ll find a more hospitable and racially diverse Jewish dating pool. It will break my heart if they convert and marry Christians, but I won’t hold it against them if they choose that path. Better that, I guess, than being alone.
Hi, my name is MaNishtana. I’m a blogger and a lot of the comments and experiences that I’ve heard from fellow Jews of Color in both real life and online dating is what spurred me to create JocFlock (http://jocflock.org). It’s a dating site that caters to members of the tribe who sit at the back of the bus. Lol. I encourage ppl on the dating scene to come one down and find it. The worst that can happen is that you end up meeting some new friends and it’s ONE less horror story like this article to tell
This is such a shame.. As a white jewish woman i would be more than proud to date/marry and bring home a black jewish man! i dont see the problem, a jew is a jew and marrying other races of jews is a fantastic thing because you get the best of both worlds – marrying within ‘your people’ and keeping jewish and also marrying outside of your race and having a fuller richer family
senior friend finder…
about senior friend finder…
@harley, I totally agree with you.
Anyways, I’m half-ethnically Jewish (my mom converted, she’s Polish and her family is Catholic). My parents don’t care about race, ethnicity, or religion as long as whomever I am marrying is okay with me being Jewish and okay with me raising our children Jewish. Personally, I want to marry a Jewish man or someone who is wants to convert for other reasons than marriage. Maybe try dating non-full Jewish women? I doubt any of us would bring up the 100% Jewish thing, because we aren’t.
For me, it’s hard because although my mother was observant from the time she married my father, she didn’t formally convert until a month before I was bat mitzvah-ed, so by halakha, I’m not technically Jewish (even though I am much more observant than many of my born 100% ethnically and halacha-lically Jewish friends – I keep kosher, went to Jewish day school, was bat mitzvah-ed, speak Hebrew, some Yiddish, and have been to and plan to move to Israel).
So even though I am Jewish through and through, I have been called “non Jewish” all my life. Most of the time I just lie, and say that my mother converted before she married my father.
Hi. I am a black Jewish woman. A few years ago, I decided to date Jews only. My experience is similar, though I have never seen Stage 3. The reason why is because instead of the person communicating that they can’t bring home a woman of another race to family (and most of my dates are in their 40′s and 50′s, and few have parents still alive), they just disappear. But, I am keeping strong, and will continue to try to find a Jewish mate. The one thing I have learned is that I see signs that someone is dating me out of “curiosity” or just for sex, I end the relationship and move on. I can’t waste my time with tire kickers.
Hi Ariel,
If you’re looking for a safe space to explore the benefit and challenges of being a Dual Heritage Jew, I would really suggest checking out a Jews in ALL Hues program. There are a few coming up. Feel free to email me to find out more about what we have to offer.
All the best,
Jared
jared@jewsinallhues.org
http://www.jewsinallhues.org
http://www.facebook.com/JewsinALLHues
Hello, really good entry, I was always wondering if it is true. Finally I know it, thanks to you
PS Really nice blog template is it “homemade” or free? 
I often wondered if Jewish women dated black men not just for sex or curosity some black men are attracted to Jewish women and I know being Jewish is the religion and not the race.
Hello to all my fellow Jews!!!! I want to encourage everyone who’ve commented to maintain your committment and steadfastness in finding a Jewish partner, that is capable of seeing beyound race and ethnicity. We must understand that racism-unfortunately, has saturated so many levels and areas of American society and it will not be eradicated in one or several generations. However, a sad fact of our reality, we should not allow these experiences to disheartened us, but allow it to fuel us towards change.
As, Jews these experiences is one of many that we must work diligently to correct. Let us not forget our mission a Jews “to be a light unto nations” and that also means a light unto ourselves as well. As, Jews must be willing to bring our own back to the correct way of viewing the world in which we serve Hashem by bringing love, honesty, integrity, dignity, and justice to all his creation.
Of, course this will not be a easy endeavor, but when has it ever been an easy road for Jews???
Shalom Aleichem
What amazes me is how black males are so willing to make excuses for non black women’s own personal racism and try to blame their parents or grandparents…You’re Jewish via our mother and the Jewish rule is for Jews to marry other Jews..there is no regard to race…you accept being a second class Jew because that is what you feel inside yourself..hence why you chase all this non black jewish women..why is wrong with black jewish women who are in the same boat as yourself?
* your mother
@ TwinZebra- if it will break your heart if your children marry Christians…then you can understand why Christians wouldn’t want to date you as a Jew..so that’s the wrong pool for you…however..there are Jewish men..including Ashkenazi..that have no hang ups on race and skin tone..there is someone for everyone…you should join okcupid.com or another dating site or social group that caters to Jewish men who are attracted to black women or biracial women.
Why are black Jews looking for non black Jewish partners…if you don’t want a black partner why should others…just something to think about?
I’m with you Harley – skin color means little to me compared to a shared sense of values and core beliefs. My parents have long accepted that my husband may be of another race (I’m Ashkenazi Jewish). In recent years I’ve dated fellow Ashkenazim, Israelis of Indian ethnicity and currently a non-Jewish Rwandan. Sure learning about each other’s religious and cultural background has played a role in the “getting-to-know-you” stage, but it’s never been an impediment. Good luck to all of us looking for the person best suited to us – whatever his/her skin color.
@OP: Dude, I feel for you. I have had a similar experience with a Scandinavian woman although I am white-Med. Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that it was for the best that we broke-up. I think my problem was that I thought I was somebody else rather than being myself. (think about it) My final conclusion is that the more similar to my appearance/background my gf is, the best it’s gonna be for us. So, perhaps the best possible match for you would be a Carib/African-American Jewish girl and likewise, for me it’s going to be a girl of Sfaradi or Mizrahi background. Period.
Cheers man, and may you find what you seek.